A Mom Comes to Our Defense
Posted on 25. May, 2006 by Brian Reid in General
So yesterday I was given another reminder that one of these days I should really start a blogroll for MAWDAHs … moms who go to work and are married to at-home dads. Asha over at ParentHacks.com flagged this post by Mom 101 about her husband. It is a wonderful denunciation of the strange and irritating trend toward referring to male caregivers by female terms (“The Mommy,” “Mr. Mom,” etc.)
I was asked recently what the problem with Mr. Mom is, and Mom 101 nails a good chunk of it. Here’s my take on why it’s a problem:
* It is unfair to women to “mom”ify the job. Calling a guy “Mr. Mom,” implies mom *should* be the one behind the stroller. That ought to be pretty offensive nowadays.
* It emphasizes the novelty of at-home fatherhood. A dad at the playground shouldn’t be treated with any more surprise that a female surgeon in the operating room. Why should “Hey — that kid’s caretaker is a *man*!” be any less offensive than “Hey — that doctor/lawyer/exec is a *woman*!”?
* It glosses over the different skills that mothers and fathers bring to the table. Kyle Pruett at Yale has made a career of noting that men and women generally parent differently, and that kids are best served by both styles of play. Suggesting that a dad is “mothering” shortchanges dads by ignoring the unique advantages of what Pruett calls “Fatherneed.” (And it shortchanges moms by suggesting that dads can provide traits that are generally unique to moms.)
* It reminds everyone of Jack Butler, Michael Keaton’s character in Mr. Mom. I know that the movie comes to a sweet end, where Jack becomes a good dad, etc. etc. But it is remembered in the collective unconscious as a movie about a do-nothing father who can’t iron and who drinks beer in the morning. I could do without those images being attached to dads taking care of their kids.
Sara
26. May, 2006
any chance you are in Toronto? send me an email and I can let you know more, it is regarding childcare for your own children.. I need help from a stay at home dad, as well as other forms of childcare
sara@landriault.com
mom101
26. May, 2006
Thanks for keeping the conversation going, RD! It’s a tough thing you’re doing here, physically and mentally. I bet we’d have some interesting conversations about it. Nate sometimes calls himself the sitter but I know its done in a slightly self-deprecating, not-sure-if-I’m-still totally-comfortable-with-this tone.
More power to you.
Geeky Mom
26. May, 2006
Mr. Geeky hates it when his (usually male) friends say to him when he has the kids, “Oh, so you’re babysitting?” He usually says, “No, I’m parenting.”
Andy
26. May, 2006
Contrast that with an article in the lastest issue of Parenting magazine (a magazine that’s about “What really matters to moms.). Here’s the title of the article:
“Inside the mind of a Dad - Why he can’t clean and watch the kids at the same time, or remember the baby’s nap - and what you can do about it.”
It goes on to enforce most of the typical stereotypes about Dads.
I’m glad to see this kind of trash is slowly becoming the exception and not the rule.
Good article mom101!
chip
26. May, 2006
what a great piece! thanks for the link Brian.
And Andy I saw that piece and it p***ed me off to no end…
dayv
26. May, 2006
You mean we aren’t supposed to be drinking beer in the morning?
It’s nice to see a mom recognizing AHD’s. There has been so much coverage of “mommy wars” or general AHD (just short of) bashing, that to be recognized by an at work mom is great. And not just being seen as a novelty or movie stero-type, but as a capable parent.
stephen
27. May, 2006
I still have to disagree about Mr. Mom.
It’s one thing to say it’s an inaccurate label. Or not the preferred label.
It’s another to get all sensitive and PC about it. In the end that attitude just gives people the message that SAHDs have issues and baggage. It’s better to just not care, and not give other people the power to offend or ridicule us.
Not to mention that controlling pop culture phrases is nearly impossible. It doesn’t do any good if people are thinking Mr. Mom (and they are), but just not saying it.
Rebel Dad
27. May, 2006
Thanks for the counter-thought, Stephen … and I *am* sensitive about being seen as over-sensitive. But, all things being equal, I’d love to take the term out of the internal AHD discourse.
Headline writers will keep using it (seven characters!), reporters will keep using it, and so on. There’s no stopping that, or even much good in trying. But it ain’t a title I’m willing to paste on myself.
Ping pong isn’t table tennis, and “Mr. Mom” isn’t “at-home dad”. Those in the know can spot the difference, even if no one else can
mom101
28. May, 2006
Stephen: The sooner people stop saying things, the sooner they stop thinking them.
Rebel Mom
30. May, 2006
RD: I still hate the assertion (that it appears you endorsed, which surprised me) that men and women parent differently based on sex/gender instead of just based on individual charachter traits. Do you really agree with this???? It just sends off big generalization bells in my head. It seems bad for each sex/gender individually, single parents, gay and lesbian parents…
I need to read Kyle’s book
chip
30. May, 2006
RebelMom, I do think there are differences, but they largely come from the fact that men and women are socialized differently.
I do parent differently from my wife, but as she notes, from a very early age (birth) she was socialized to be a
“mommy”. I personally think it’s great that we have different styles, because they are in many ways complementary; what our kids don’t get from her, they get from me, and vice versa.
I would not agree with arguments that it’s all biological or anything like that. But I do think it can’t be reduced only to individual character traits, especially since those individual character traits are at some level based on gender roles and expectations.
That said, obviously I don’t think this means all guys are non-emotional lunks who can’t change a diaper. But even those of us guys who do the childcare and housework are guys, we’ve been socialized to relate to the world and other people in particular ways; while we clearly reject much of that, there is something that is still there that remains a fundamental part of our character traits.
Finally, this also does not mean that only an opposite sex two parent family can be a “real” or “good” family. But it also doesn’t mean there are not, broadly speaking, different parenting styles of, let’s say, stay at home moms vs. stay at home dads. That’s something I’ve blogged about and I do think, from my own anecdotal observations, that I parented different from most of the moms I know/knew.
Rebel Mom
30. May, 2006
I enjoyed reading your post, Chip. I think you are right-that a lot of the things that we see as biological sex differences are actually socialized norms. That’s a really good point.
Rebel Dad
30. May, 2006
Yeah … what Chip said is what I *meant* to say
Patricia
28. Jun, 2006
I’m a MAWDAH mom. I think Mom 101 nailed it on the head. My husband isn’t Mr. Mom any more than I’m Mrs. Dad.
Rebeldad is an excellent source and I’m glad DH has Rebeldad and other AHD sites/articles to read. I just wish that there was more stuff for the MAW - there are different things that a MAWDAH encounters that AHM, Single Moms, and MAW/DAW moms never face.