M.O.T.H.E.R. Showing Some Life
Posted on 24. Apr, 2006 by Brian Reid in General
If you’ve been reading Rebel Dad for a long time, you’ll know of my affinity for a group called Mothers Ought to Have Equal Rights (or M.O.T.H.E.R.), which was launched, essentially, to help pass along the important messages in Ann Crittenden’s book, The Price of Motherhood. Unfortunately, the group has been largely dormant for the past couple of years, but this seems to be changing.
They’ve teamed up with MomsRising.org to call for a cease-fire in the mommy wars. There’s a petition aimed at the major media outlets, which is a good target. (Because let’s be honest. We don’t need a cease-fire in the mommy wars — they don’t, technically, exist — but we do need a break in the endless string of media reports). Here’s what the petition says:
“We are calling for a ceasefire in the so-called “Mommy Wars.” All moms are in the same boat. We all need better family-friendly policies. It’s time to focus on real problems in need of real solutions.”
Amen.
Standard Flanagan Update: Thanks to all who told me about the Colbert Report video of Caitlin Flanagan and for sending along to the link. Salon has it posted. Please watch. It is truly amazing.
Becky
24. Apr, 2006
Comedy Central has a more complete version of the video.
http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/the_colbert_report/videos/celebrity_interviews/index.jhtml?playVideo=61880
Also, here’s a radio interview.
http://www.wnyc.org/shows/bl/episodes/2006/04/20
Hogan
24. Apr, 2006
All DADS are in the same boat too! Which means that ALL PARENTS are!
Motherhood + Fathernood = Parenthood
Fatherhood + Motherhood = Parenthood
M + F = F + M
Hogan’s commutative math law of parenting.
I haven’t found one established parenting, mothering, fathering organization that seems to understand and put into practice this simple math law. Nor a parenting magazine.
As RD noted in an earlier post by Bruce, fathering issues aren’t addresed and written about in the parenting magazines to the degree that they should be. It’s easy to understand why. Look at the staff page in the parenting magazines. Most of the staff members- editors on down - are women/moms.
No disrespect to the moms, but how can a woman/mom write about fathering issues in a parenting magazine? Or even think about bringing it up? They’re moms!
I don’t buy the argument about more moms subscribing to the magazines than dads do. I remember buying a subscription to a parenting magazine which I paid for. Guess who the magazine was addressed to when it arrived at our house? Mrs. Hilling
By not including articles on fathering issues, I believe these parenting magazines have done a huge disservice to their mom readership. Why? Because I think that the moms could and need to learn more about a father’s perspective.
And if the magazines published articles on fathering issues and placed advertisements for dads in it, I bet more dads would read the magazine.
Sadly the magazine publishers (and others like book stores, baby accessory stores, hosptials….) seem to view investing in fathers as a financial risk.
My motto is that when you help fathers you also help mothers.
By bringing mother and father EQUALLY into the parenting equation it ultimately benefits the population we care for the most - the children!
Hogan
RebelMom
25. Apr, 2006
Why in the world would you assume, Hogan, that women are not interested in fathering issues? Look at who reads this blog? Look at who posts to it? Ask rebeldad how many women approach him for his fathering perspective versus men from national news outlets?
Any rational feminist will tell you that men’s increasing involvement at home is a huge issue for the equality of women.
As for how a woman “can even think about” talking about fathering issues, frankly, in this day and age, I am shocked that a man would presume to tell me what I should and shouldn’t think about especially a man with whom I am ostensibly on the same side.
I will be teaching a section on emerging legal and social rights and roles of fathers as part of a law school Family Law course this fall. Or am I disqualified from this important topic because I am a “woman/mom”? Would it be better that it not be addressed at all than to have it addressed by me?
Let’s not pit moms against moms but let’s certainly not pit moms against dads either. I am happy to have an advocate for equal parenting regardless of their sex.
Generalizations based on sex/gender are inherently disrespectful to both men and women.
Anne-Marie
25. Apr, 2006
MOTHERS (not M.O.T.H.E.R) hasn’t exactly been dormant, just volunteer challenged I’m afraid.
Last MOTHERS Day, we launced MOTHERS Book Bag (www.MOTHERSBookBag.org) a book blog to encourage mothers to get together to discuss economic and social issue affecting them - work/life balance, the mommy wars, and going back to work after staying home. It’s not a blog in the purist sense of the word (no daily let along weekly posts, but it’s updated every 6-8 weeks with another book selection). Instead, we hope it serves as a place to showcase great books on motherhood and parenting, and hopefully start some serious discussions on how to change the way things are to the way things SHOULD be.
In conjunction to our Demanding a CEASEFIRE to the Mommy Wars MOTHERS Day 2006 campaign (in partnership with MomsRising.org) we’re featuring Leslie Morgan Steiner’s book “Mommy Wars” and a call for publishers and the rest of the media to stop the Mommy Wars nonsense and start looking at the real issues today’s parents are facing.
So please stop by MOTHERS and sign up for our e-newletter, sign our petition, and download the talking points or sample letter to the editor.
Thanks! Anne-Marie, MOTHERS e-newsletter writer and MOTHERS Book Bag blogger (enews@mothercenter.org)
Mark B.
25. Apr, 2006
Hogan,
Sorry you had to withstand that rather harsh lecture from RM. Most of us got your point. With all you have done over the years relative to fathering, I think you might deserve a little more credit and respect than you were given.
As far as Parenting magazine goes, I was looking at a recentt issue just yesterday at the Dr.’s office. There was only 1 non family vacation ad in it that showed a father with kids. It showed a Dad on the floor with about 4 infants writing the names of the kids on the diapers so as to keep track of who is who. Not the most flattering representation of a Dad. I also noticed a banner across the words Parenting on the cover that said “What Matters to Moms Most”. Bottom line is this a womans magazine geared to woman. And there is nothing wrong with that. With all the so called “journalists” grazing around these SAHD blogs, you would think one of them might have the gumption to start a parenting magazine geared to dads if there is so much gold in them there hills.
Nathan
25. Apr, 2006
OMG! I can hardly believe the things that woman said! It’s trully a shock to me as I have not read The New Yorker in nearly four years, so this was totally unexpected. Trully, makes me so happy that we do not watch TV around here, however, I was uncertain if he was sending her up or not.
Family Man
26. Apr, 2006
I am one of those journalists who is a regular blog reader and blogger, and I think Hogan is dead right about the state of parenting literature. Most parenting magazines and books I come across appear almost exclusively geared to women. (That is perhaps the main reason I am now the family reporter at my newspaper.) I also think RM missed one of Hogan’s key points. He said that women are interested in daddy issues, and I agree, but there just isn’t enough material out there.
RebelMom
26. Apr, 2006
I will say that I agree with the posters that we should have more coverage of dads in the mass media. It would benefit all parents.
I disagree with the propositions (1) that that isn’t happening because “most of the staff” at parenting magazines are moms and (2) because women can’t/don’t bring up fathering issues. I just don’t buy the assumptions about women (or women journalists) these are seemingly based on.
I certainly have heard much about Hogan’s fabulous exploits as a dad. I’m sure, given that he’s commenting on an issue-oriented blog, he knows that comments relate to his socio-political views as expressed in this post and not his dedication as a dad or to the movement.
No one has commented on the substantive issues identified: Can/should women comment on fathering issues? Do people believe it is the fact that women staff parenting magazines that causes the lack of mass media coverage? Are women capable of working to advance the movement through writing or otherwise-or are they not because they are moms and not dads?
Mark B.
26. Apr, 2006
Are woman in the media capable of commenting on fathering issues? Certainly. I believe the lack of coverage is due the staff knowing what sells and who their subscribers are. These woman are paid big bucks to maxamize circulation. I don’t believe they are looking to corner the market on parenting or snuff the “movement”. I wonder how many of them with young kids use nannies or day care extensively for their kids due to the large work load?
FamilyMan
26. Apr, 2006
As someone writing in this area, I think this is an important discussion. However, I disagree with some of the assumptions about what issues have been identified. I, for one, didn’t say women can’t comment on fathering issues or are unable to advance a movement, they can, do and should. The key area and problem is the dearth of men writing about dad issues, which impacts the scope of the coverage at a time when men are taking on greater roles at home.
As for the parenting magazines, most appeal to almost none of my fellow dads. If editors want to broaden the appeal of these publication, and their coverage, they should add a few more male writers.
Hogan
26. Apr, 2006
RM,
I never said or wrote or assumed that all women are not interested in fathering issues. Read my post again.
I’m sorry that you misunderstood my post. So let me clear this up.
My comments were written in the sense that a woman could never express what it truly feels like to deal with fathering issues like a man can. And vice versa. There is no way I could understand or express what Tina deals with or feels as a mother. And no I would never want to give birth to find out what it’s like.
For the most part parenting issues among moms and dads are the same. However, moms and dads look at and deal with them differently. Issues like peer pressure, finances, balancing work and family, guilt, depression (yes fathers feel guilt and suffer from post partum depression too!).. .
I did a survey with a group of moms and dads. One of the requests on the dad survey was to share an issue that you havent discussed with your wife. I was amazed at the answers I received. There are many issues dads havent discussed with their wives yet. Why? Several reasons: 1) because they are issues they prefer to discuss with other dads, 2) they feel that another father would be more understanding than their wives, and 3) they dont want to hurt their wives feelings or upset them.
I wasn’t directing blame towards the women/moms. I think it is more of an oversight on their part. It is an honest mistake but needs to be corrected ASAP!
The writing is on the wall. There is not equal representation in parenting magazines. And it hurts when the truth comes out. Which is probably why you were a little harsh with me.
The fact is that parenting magazines have had every opportunity to make changes and they havent. And part of the problem is also the men who are in charge. Many of whom have the old men dont eat quiche mentality.
What amazes me is that I keep hearing women asking men to share how they truly feel. Men do. And then instead of showing or expressing some understanding most women go into a tizzy. And then the guys go without sex for two, three, four….. weeks.
It’s no wonder most men shut down after a while.
I remember sharing a fathering issue with Tina once. Her answer to me was,
“Oh Hogan, it’s nothing. You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.”
I wish there was some way for you to walk in a father’s shoes so that you can understand our frustration when we receive a parenting magazine that only has our wifes name on it, then open it and not see much of anything that addresses our concerns, needs and wants. But you never will. Because you’re a mom.
No youre not disqualified from teaching a class on fathers rights. I respect you for the work you do and would never question your comments or opinions regarding this topic. It would be nice if you gave me the same courtesy.
How many dads have you sat with in a room to hear what they have to say?
Hogan
26. Apr, 2006
Ive had conversations with tens of thousands of fathers who have said things to me that they never discussed with their wives before. How do I know this? Many have told me and others you can tell by the tone in their voice. Many have cried in front of me too! Much of the crying comes from being ignored. These are fathers who Ive met for the first time. Why are they so comfortable sharing their most intimate thoughts with me and other dads in the room - all strangers - but not their wives?
Thanks Mark for your kind comments and understanding my message.
Hogan
Rebel Dad
26. Apr, 2006
There are a two of issues at work in Hogan’s first post.
The first is the question of the tilt of parenting magazines. I don’t think there’s any doubt that they are overwhelmingly mom-focused. I’ve written about that ad naseum and couldn’t agree more.
The second issue is the question of *why* the parenting magazines tend to ignore fathers. Hogan seems to suggest it is because mothers are running those publications, and mothers can’t write about fathering issues, ergo no dad stories. I agree with RM that blaming moms for the fact that Parenting, Parents, Child, etc. suck is not fair or particularly useful.
I don’t think anyone disagrees with your larger point — that fatherhood (like motherhood) is a unique experience, and that is can be easier to share that experience with another dad.
Rebel Mom
26. Apr, 2006
I think the most interesting aspect of Hogan’s most recent post is that it presents the same debate that has plagued feminism for decades-are women and men inherently the same or different? In this case, the question is framed in how they parent or how they deal with parenting. It’s a really fascinating issue and certainly one that there are many, many opinions on.
And the “walk a mile in my daddying shoes” comments certainly resonate for a lot of women who have been discriminated against based on their sex (in big ways like sexual propositioning at work or small ways, like getting alum solicitations only addressed to the male head of house).
So I’d say that the two movements (feminism and father’s equal parenting rights) can really benefit and learn from one another. Now that statement may get lots of angry posts toward me from some feminists
Family man: I’d like to think it’s as easy as hiring some enlightened male reporters for the largest publications to advance fatherhood issues, but, as we’ve seen with some often-bashed on rebeldad women who write on motherhood, sex/gender isn’t necessarily a proxy for being insightful or progressive on a parenting issue.
Hogan
26. Apr, 2006
There are many reasons parenting magazines (and other venues) haven’t addressed fathering issues. And sorry to say it but one of them is the fact that most of the staff is women. You make it sound like I’m attacking women in general and I’m not. All I’m doing is pointing out honest mistakes and oversights by women. See story at end of post.
If I buy into your argument, then why haven’t these women written and published more articles on fathering issues? Get real people! It’s like you live in a bubble.
Here is an example of another honest mistake gone bad in a different venue - the hospital. By the staff of childbirth instructors/women in which good intentions did more harm than good.
After giving a presentation on A Fathers Perspective to the staff of a hospital, a childbirth instructor noted that some changes had already been made and enough had already been done to make the hospital father-friendly. To prove her point she gave me a tour of the childbirth center.
The childbirth instructor takes me to a waiting room for expectant couples. She proudly points out the two large posters on the wall of a dad holding a baby in his arms and a dad with a kid on his shoulders. What she failed to notice and point out to me, however, was the poster in the middle. It was a poster about teenage pregnancy. (All the posters were the same size.)
The poster had a picture of a beautiful, sexy teenage girl with a great figure. There was cleavage and her belly button was also showing. It looked more like a Playboy centerfold than a poster detouring teenage pregnancy.
I pointed it out to the childbirth instructor and gave her my honest opinion. If I were a man sitting in this room, my eyes would not be drawn to the two posters of the dads, but rather, the poster in the middle of the voluptuous teenage girl. It is a huge distraction. Why is it even up there?
Does that make me a pervert? No. Men have wandering eyes. Its natural for me, as a man, to be drawn to the poster of the teenager. And then become sexually aroused and think about having sex with my wife when I get home. Which would be the last thing on my wifes mind.
Try to imagine how uncomfortable it would be for a dad to sit next to his pregnant wife with this poster of a sexy teenage girl plastered in front of him. It would be difficult for most men to exercise control over not wanting to stare or take a peek at the poster without getting caught. A poster placed there by a woman with good intentions.
The childbirth instructor was kind enough to admit the oversight. Not only did she apologize to me. She took the poster down and ripped it to shreds right in front of me. And then admitted that more needed to be done to make the hospital more father-friendly.
Hogan
Family Man
26. Apr, 2006
I think this has been a great string, interesting, and useful. Of course, the answer to any complicated issue has many parts, but its clear to me the glaring problem with some coverage is that relatively few male writers cover parenting issues. If publications address this with a healthy dose of talented new dad writers they tackle this critical issue, (as long as the writers are insightful), bring in different perspectives, and help to broaden their coverage.
(Hey, Dont get me wrong. I am not looking for one of these gigs. Ive got my own beat to worry about.)
Family Man | Homepage | 04.26.06 - 12:30 pm | #
Rebel Mom
26. Apr, 2006
And don’t get me wrong, if a major metro newspaper came knocking on rebeldad’s door to cover a cool beat like yours, we’d be packing our bags in no time
H.A.Page
26. Apr, 2006
Praise be the Blogs! The Long Tail and Pareto’s power law will offer more in the way of niche markets and the leadership and thinking applied therein will be good for all.
Cheers! AnotherMother
Hogan
27. Apr, 2006
Family Man,
You expressed my thoughts more eloquently and in less words then I was able to do. Thanks.
Hogan
leon wells
28. Apr, 2006
Great interview with Caitlin Flanagan and Judyth Piazza on the Student Operated Press and the American Perspective radio program.
Check it out!