Posted on 10. May, 2004 by Brian Reid in General
Happy Mother’s Day to Rebel Mom, the best mom in the whole world, and to all the other mothers out there.
Some in the media celebrated by writing about moms — and dads — and that collection of stories deserves a couple of links. It’s worth noting this Seattle Times piece on how to better split household responsibilities. This is an impressive story in the number of different threads it manages to acknowledge — the relative performance of moms and dads compared to their mothers and fathers, the martial benefits of balance with the kids, the dismissal of the myth of the incapable father. And it throws a neat new stat into the mix: “Seven out of 10 married parents believe child care should be shared equally, but two-thirds of the moms said they mainly cared for children, according to a study published in Sex Roles: A Journal of Research in 2002.”
Still, men get taken to task, too. Here’s a line from a brief NY Times piece: “Still, it seems unfair that mothers should bear so much of the burden of busy family lives. Husbands of employed women do somewhat more housework and child care, but they still leave much of the work and most of the responsibility to their wives. Mothers could use more help from their husbands and partners to reduce the leisure gap — and not just on Mother’s Day.”
And then there’s this column from the Binghamton, NY paper that questions a survey that shows that 9 of 10 wives believe that their husband appreciates the job they do. What follows is an indictment of fathers, who, the column says, don’t plan birthday parties or know the names of their child’s teacher. (The columnist notes she has an at-home husband, though it’s not clear if the piece is meant as an indictment of him, too.)
Let me be on record as saying that men, on balance, should play a much larger role in the household doings of most households. But what bothered me a bit was the attitude, offering sympathies to “To all of you with calloused hands and husbands who ‘try’ …” The fact that husbands are trying at all is a sea change from a generation ago. We’re making progress. I hope that a generation hence, it will be considered quaint to suggest that dads don’t make it to doctor’s appointments (and the Binghamton column does). All over, we’re seeing these trends move in the right direction. The American Academy of Pediatrics is pushing for more men to “try.” And in one of the classes at the local preschool, dad have co-oped for four of the last five class days. To be sure, there’s a lot of ground for us to make up. But we’re moving in the right direction. And that, hopefully, will mean that Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and those other 363 days will be happier for everyone involved.
amy
10. May, 2004
Not quite related, but while I was looking for a new cloth-diaper store, I ran across http://www.clothdaddy.com , run by an at-home father with a textiles BFA from KU. He’s got some of the more popular cloth diapers plus his own designs.
Two recent thoughts:
1. As fathers’ presence increase in the classrooms, etc., I wonder how much feminist outcry there will be. Something along the lines of “hey, they run everyplace else, they can’t be allowed to take over here too.”
2. I’m reading Susan Faludi’s _Backlash_, and it occurred to me the active-fathering movement is going to be in for a backlash of its own as it gains steam. Are you sensing anything like that, apart from the Comedy-Central thing and that New York magazine jerk?
amy
Rebel Dad
10. May, 2004
Faludi has already predicted that we’re in for a backlash (you can search the rebeldad archives for the story on the Brawny Man) against all this sensitive/metrosexual/at-home dad stuff. I’m a bit more optimistic — as are a lot of the feminist thinkers I talk to — but I’m watching the issue very very closely. I though Backlash was well-thought out and I’m curious to see whether (or when) the scales start to tip back.
-rD
John
10. May, 2004
Criticizing men for having to try sounds like sexism in feminst clothing to me. If it is true that sexism has historically made housewives out of women and corporate drones out of men, then it follows that each gender has probably been socialized to find its self-worth in those roles. There are a million things for a man to learn if he is trying to take on more household responsibility. It’s not just learning how to do laundry, after all, but learning the state of mind that pays attention to when the laundry needs doing. That’s a product of socialization; women are taught to pay attention to that stuff and to see themselves as responsible for it in a way men aren’t, so even men who want to take an active role in the running of a household have an uphill battle; it’s not as simple as learning new tasks - it involves learning to see life in a whole new way.
Evan
11. May, 2004
RE: the Seattle Times piece about sharing of household responsibilities… There’s this interesting tidbit from the Beeb that correlates the splitting of chores and how many kids a couple is likely to have…
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3694119.stm
-E
Rebel Dad
11. May, 2004
Evan — you (and the BBC) beat me to it … I’m working on a post on the subject right now. Look for it in a couple of hours.
-rD