More on Keeping Dads Out of the Delivery Room
Posted on 08. Jun, 2010 by Brian Reid in pregnancy and childbirth
I have been baffled by the recent backlash against dads in the delivery, which is one of those things that seems to make such perfect sense to me that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the counter-argument.
First, the New York Times ran a piece suggesting that men are sufficiently grossed out by the miracle of birth that it actually kills passion. Then, some doc in France said that having dad around is bad because it stresses mom out. Now comes the idea that the pre-natal period — in which dad, no matter how many Lamaze classes he attends, is kind of on the outside looking in — conditions would-be dads to see themselves as useless when the kid actually emerges.
I love Strollerderby’s take on why this is dumb:
So, instead of keeping dad away, maybe the answer is as simple as acknowledging that the period of pregnancy and birth can be weird and awkward and alienating for him. We can talk more about the differences between men and women’s experiences. We can give mom permission to go though a distinctly female experience without feeling like she’s a sell-out to women’s rights. We should look harder at why dad is feeling so passive in the delivery room. And give him better tools to help his pregnant/birthing/lactating partner in a way that bolsters confidence.
And — once again, for the record — I am adamant that dads be present for childbirth for one simple reason: there are few times in life when we can make it crystal clear to dads how powerful and important the job of raising, teaching and protecting a child is. One of those time happens in the delivery room, and I shudder to think there are people interested in eliminating that moment.
(Hat Tip to Jason Sperber for pointing this out.)
6 Responses to “More on Keeping Dads Out of the Delivery Room”
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11. Jun, 2010
[...] folks at Jezebel were nice enough to re-publish my piece on dads in the delivery room last night. The discussion has been interesting, with a couple of different camps. First, you have [...]
Al
08. Jun, 2010
The idea that passion for your wife is killed by watching the delivery process is so totally off base.
While my wife was in labor, it seemed that about every 10 minutes someone came in to “check” her. The doctor, the nurse, the nurse’s aid, the orderly, the janitor… everybody was sticking their hand up her vagina. I was NOT prepared for that. She had a C-section in the end, so I was spared watching our beautiful daughter come out the birth canal.
Still, I couldn’t wait to make love to my wife. Maybe I’m just a horndog, but nothing in the birthing process killed my libido for more than a couple of days (and that was only due to lack of sleep).
Kristen T.
08. Jun, 2010
When I hear about men who are now turned off by their wives because of childbirth I want to scream. Talk about skin-deep attraction.
My husband and mother were both present for my 2 vaginal births. Holding my legs. Coaching me. Calming me. If I had to do without one of them? Mom would have to go. The nurses and doctors came and went. My husband was THERE. For ME and the BABY.
And guess who almost fainted after the birth of baby #1? It wasn’t hubby! My poor mom, the new grandma! BTW: My mom is an ex-surgical nurse. My husband? IT project manager.
Were the images of me in intense pain, with lots of blood, having a baby coming out of my nether regions a pleasant experience for my husband? I’m sure they were not. It wasn’t for me, either! But he wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
He’s a man. He’s a dad. He’s a husband. And his libido is fully intact.
Chris @ CleverFather
08. Jun, 2010
I couldn’t imagine not being in the delivery room. I can admit that I stayed up by her head and didn’t peak down south. I already had a hard enough time trying to not pass out!
Angela Gail
29. Jun, 2010
Just stumbled across this post and I wish I had found it earlier! I agree about the absurdity of trying suggesting that dads shouldn’t be in the delivery room. Labor is the transition to parenthood for both parents and I think it’s important for both parents to have the experience together. I think it can bond parents together and help non-gestational parents bond to their new babies.
I also think, having birthed one baby myself and been there when my wife was birthing our second, that it is really really really hard to be prepared for labor, especially a natural labor. I had already given birth to a baby and I found supporting my wife during labor a real challenge. I would love to see more parents-to-be hiring doulas to help both laboring women and their partners. A good doula has lots of birth experience, which most partners of laboring women lack, has expertise to help with getting through labor (and navigating hospitals), and can be focused entirely on the couple having a baby.
Terry
09. Sep, 2010
I am a soon-to-be father (well not so much soon as in 5months), but I have to disagree with the majority of the posts claiming the father MUST be in the delivery room. I have major reservations about being in the room during the delivery. My wife is a doctor at the local university hospital and is having an incredibly difficult time understanding why I feel this way. Let me put an emphisis on the word FEEL….. this isn’t an opinion, or a thought, or a disinterest in any way. It is a feeling, something uncontrolled and uninspired by me. The mere thought of the birthing process nearly turns my stomach upside down. I understand the argument that it is bringing life into the world and its the first steps into fatherhood, and all the fantastical wording used to express what is happening. I just feel that my presence is not going to convey my joy of becoming a father. I can only see my reactions and queeziness leading to tension and bitterness between me and my wife. I do not handle hospitals or other people’s pain well to say the least. My wife has already enlisted her mother and my mother to be with her, but is very clear that I MUST be in there as well. I know this will not be well recieved, but my feelings are; this is a person at their most unattractive state. The pain, swelling, sweating, fluids……… yeah that does have an effect on a person mentally and psycologically. I love my wife and I am looking forward to being a father more than you can imagine, but I do not want to have a vision of my wife in that way. Much in the same way I do not visit a coffin at a funeral….. I like to remember people in their most positive light.