Hey Guilty Moms: Follow Our Lead
Posted on 02. Jun, 2010 by Brian Reid in gender equity, research
Working Mother knows their demographic, so it’s not surprising that they just published an in-depth piece on mommy guilt and what to do about it. That story really isn’t all that interesting. What *is* interesting is a brief sidebar in which they explore a much more important question: why is it that dads don’t seem to have the same problems?
The answers are worth a look. The piece posits that dads are better at naming their feelings (they can be angry or annoyed or whatever without lumping every negative feeling into the “guilt” bucket), which seems like it might be a bit of a stretch. But then it goes on to hit the sweet spot: expectations for dads are less (in part because the historical standard is so low). This is exactly right. What is missing — what I would love to see — is the conclusion to that argument. Not only are standards for dads *lower*, but those lower standards are *better* ones by which we should be judging all parents.
I don’t know where the parental one-upsmanship started (I suspect it may have been a hyper-competitive holiday cookie exchange), but it is my fervent hope that dads will lead the charge toward a saner set of expectations for everyone.
Philip @ RAOP
02. Jun, 2010
Why to lower the bar!
Okay Brian, I am just giving you a hard time. I agree 100% and often have to remind my wife that the only expectations she is not meeting are hers. She does an AMAZING job by any one else’s.
On the flip side, I do understand wanting you kids to have the absolute best possible environment to grow and develop in. Thanks to the internet and other outlets we know have a much better idea of what that is. I guess you could say that by having a better grasp of the ideal also have a better understanding of where we fall short.
From that perspective the women will always take it more personally for many reasons. Not saying it is right, just saying.
Caleb Gardner
03. Jun, 2010
Love this. So true that “mommy guilt” is a pervasive problem, and I’d say there are many reasons dads don’t have the same problem.
In fact, I’d say dads have the opposite problem: legitimacy. We’re often seen as the “babysitter” instead of an equal part of the parenting team. I’d love to see us meet somewhere in the middle.
Working Dad
03. Jun, 2010
Hey Brian, You know I think this is one of your greatest points, I may have even used it for a column, with you as a source. I think my wife and I meet in the middle, which makes for a more rational existence and a happier family.
Chris Routly (Daddy Doctrines)
03. Jun, 2010
I actually wrote something about the low bar set for dads a couple of weeks ago! Apparently I was ahead of my time.
While I totally agree that the bar is set impossibly high for moms, and I see how this ties into the prevalence of “mom guilt”, I sure don’t want the new mom bar to be set down with the dad bar… where just changing a diaper willingly makes you Super-Dad. I want ours raised higher!
There must be a realistic median somewhere.
Cameron Phillips
03. Jun, 2010
“Dads are taking on greater responsibilities at home, but the expectation to excel in both roles isn’t as intense for men, says Dr. Nicole Else-Quest.”
…then why are more men (59%) than women (45%) now claiming lack of work life balance is an issue? Because we feel like we aren’t playing enough golf?
Michelle Zive
04. Jun, 2010
Amen, brother. I’ve learned the hard way and have many, many years under my mom belt, to understand those “perfect” moms who bake homemade cookies, have a beautiful vegetable and herb garden, and are PTA presidents, drink a lot. So here’s to lowering expectations, and doing the best we can.
Marian Cutler
04. Jun, 2010
Sadly, the need to be “super mom” [in whatever way each mom defines that role] seems to take root once you announce you’re having a baby. Seriously, pick any subject from food to clothes to schooling and some women’s publication has overwritten about it and what I should do as a woman. In some cases it starts even before pregancy; anyone remember Daisy Fuentes hawking folic acid with the tag “I’m not ready to have a baby yet; but, I want to be ready when the time comes.”? Sigh.
Much like body image, society and the media have force fed women this image of the perfect pregnancy and the perfect mom. And, for whatever psycho-social reasoning, men seem impervious to such peer pressure.
A few more real-life examples of what life is like with kids and how to juggle as to the best of your ability would go a long way to tamping down the Super Mom….both her ego and her nemesis.
My motto … dishes will wait, swings don’t.
Marian
@mariancutler
Jack
05. Jun, 2010
I am consistently amazed by how much attention is given to all that nonsense. Really, I don’t understand why people give it so much credence.
At the end of the day you know whether you are contributing or not. I don’t need society to say that I am doing or not doing enough.
It is really easy to peer in from the outside and see the perfect mom/dad through the glass. But they really don’t exist. We all have our challenges.
Cameron Phillips
06. Jun, 2010
Marian,
I largely agree with what you said, save for one thing, “men seem impervious to such peer pressure.”
Society and the media have force fed men to believe we are still of most value to our families at the office rather than at the dinner table. Media shows us either as impossibly rugged and powerful-to be adored by women and feared by men, or bumbling and inept fathers who need to be rescued by mom. The message there? Go out and earn, because you certainly aren’t a “natural” parent.
As such, we can wind up measuring our self worth by the girth of our wallets. Take a job away from a woman and she will be concerned about bills and mortgage payments. Take away a job from a man and he can feel totally impotent and utterly emasculated.
As I quoted above, more men than women are now complaining that work life balance is out of whack. We just don’t complain about it-part of men’s work place culture is that we are supposed to suck it up. Women seek help or talk about feeling overwhelmed when they are struggling with work life balance, while, according to a survey on work life balance from Statistics Canada, men are most likely to grab the bottle.
If we are going to believe media shapes and creates impossible ideals for women, we have to acknowledge the affects that same media has on men.
Cameron
@btrmensolutions
Marian Cutler
06. Jun, 2010
Cameron,
Noted and chastised. My point about men being impervious was about not picking up society’s baggage around being defined by others to the point of something hovering between neuroses and narcissism.
And, I agree with media’ portrayal of dads … it’s either breadwinner or buffoon. That’s what interested me in this blog to begin with, seriously. And, while I have my own perspectives on how dads are positively and negatively painted in society, it’s healthy to be knocked a degree or two out of sync to see from another perspective.
Marian
@mariancutler