Stirring the Pot at the WaPo
Posted on 20. Aug, 2009 by Brian Reid in General
Today, I wrote a post for the WashingtonPost.com, my regular gig, about the process of hiring a Spanish tutor for my daughter, and the fact that I am, hypocritically, a bit uncomfortable about getting a guy in that position. That’s not a reasoned, statistically driven opinion. It’s just something in the back of my head. I’m not especially proud to feel that way.
But I will stand on my record of promoting father involvement and breaking down barriers for male caregivers. Heck, my kids have probably spent more time with non-family men than 99 percent of children in this country. My point wasn’t that guys are intrinsically dangerous: I was trying to be honest about something that nagged at me, even though it shouldn’t .
So I am currently getting hammered in the comments section, which thrills me. I’m not thrilled to have people equated my feelings to the worst kind of racism or question my commitment to dads, but I am thrilled that so many people are so publicly taking me to task for even admitting to these thoughts. It means there is a huge and vocal group of parents who are completely gender-blind when it comes to their children. For the sake of argument, I take them at their word. My big fear, of course, is that these outraged readers represent a minority … we’d be living in a vastly different world if no one actually gave a second thought to gender.
The big question that went unanswered in the Post commentary is what I should do about my feelings, both on a personal level and a societal level. Is it enough to acknowledge my unease and move on?
Dennis5
20. Aug, 2009
What you should do about your feelings is suck them up and hire the best person for the job regardless of gender. If you want everyone else to move past gender stereotypes, then you need to do it yourself.
grantwriter
20. Aug, 2009
I went through the same thing myself, rebeldad. I had a couple of teenage babysitters this summer who were brother & sister, and I was reluctant at first to hire the brother. It worked out fine, though. For me, it’s partly a matter of statistical odds - a man is much more likely to hurt a child than a woman is. So being cautious isn’t a bad thing.
Dennis5
21. Aug, 2009
If you’re talking about odds, children are much more likely to be molested by someone they know than a stranger. So you shouldn’t leave them alone with any male friends or relatives, or their fathers for that matter.
Someone on the washington post discussion said it best. It’s like buying lottery tickets - if you buy 10 your odds of winning are 10 times than if you buy just one, but you still have only a 10 million to one chance of winning.
Dana Glazer
23. Aug, 2009
Brian-
I think your article is a brave one to write. It is honest and human. We are all shaped by our circumstance - and it’s the smart person who grapples with such issues straight on that has a better shot at overcoming them, as opposed to the person who officially speaks only in politically correct terms and denies any internal struggles. To admit to these feelings of unease, especially given the gender equity that you promote, is (I think) helpful for yourself and for others who may have the same contradictory feelings.
Personally, I was brought up with male babysitters when I was little (and had a very positive experience with them), so I don’t think I’d have the same reservations with my own kids, but I’m sure there are other circumstance that might not be so comfortable.
In any case, I would happen to agree with Dennis, in that it’s really about who you think is going to be best at the job.
Good luck, Brian and thanks for your honestly.
Dana Glazer
Director
The Evolution of Dad Project
http://www.evolutionofdad.com
Mike Hunter
24. Aug, 2009
Well as a college tutor allow me to hammer you as well. I’m sick as hell of being discriminated against because I’m male.
I’m tired of having no reproductive rights and all of the reproductive responsibilities.
I’m tired of seeing women get all of the benefits traditionally afforded to them by society; but, none of the traditional obligations.
But most of all I’m sick of losing out on work because of affirmative action policies at corporations, and discrimination by individuals.
Pierce Harlan
24. Aug, 2009
As founder of the leading website in the US that gives voice to persons falsely accused of sexual assault, I am disappointed by your Washington Post piece because it promotes the worst kind of unfair stereotyping and soul-annihilating prejudice — the kind that is somehow acceptable in otherwise enlightened circles. You piece, sadly, strikes me as just another modern-day Chicken Little fable that foments anti-male hysteria in a society already overly wary of males. We expect, and require, much more from persons in your position.
I’d like to hear how you and your wife will explain to your daughter that you won’t hire a male tudor. Perhaps it will go go something like this: “Well, dear, you see, men can’t all be trusted around children, and people like you need to be protected from them.” Do you not care at all what message you are sending to your own child? Or do you delude ourself into thinking that perhaps she won’t pick up on things like this?
Fearful of child abuse? Keep the kiddies away from Mom — you know, statistics and all that. Thinking of hiring a black person to work in your home? Better think again because she or he is a member of a class convicted of crimes at a disproportionately higher rate than white persons. Mexicans? Muslims? Young people as opposed to the elderly? Where does it end? Or is your prejudice confined to dreaded, predatory, sex-crazed males?
Whatever happened to judging each person on his or her own merits instead of whether they were born with external plumbing?
Men and women of good will need to stand up and challenge these awful stereotypes, not parade their primal prejudices on the pages of the Washington Post.
Pierce Harlan
The False Rape Society
Anonymous
26. Aug, 2009
Brian in fact did hire a male tutor. It’s in his Post column today.
C
05. Sep, 2009
What an interesting blog…I will check out your WP pieces, too.
As a family law attorney, just the other day I deposed an “opposition” dad who is suing for custody of his ten-year-old daughter. he and wife have been divorced most of this child’s life an circumstances have changed, making it necessary to switch from the joint custody they have had.
One problem he, as a single dad, is having is that his little girl’s friends don’t come to his house. It is not his house that hosts the sleepovers, and there is not nearly as much social activity between the friends at his home. It is all centered around Mom’s home, and he laments that friends’ moms are reluctant send their kids to his home. (He thinks a wife would help, and I think he may be right).
As I said, he’s “opposition,” but I could not help but feel sorry for him. He seems like a decent guy who loves his kid, but this is stacked against him somewhat. C
CM
08. Sep, 2009
Sadly this has greatly disappointed me and undercut your credibility as an opponent of gender stereotypes. As far as being praised for being “brave” and “honest”, I have unfortunately heard or read many “honest” negative opinions about Jews, blacks, gays, and others, but in nearly all cases of public expressions, the persons making such statements were condemned for their prejudice rather than being praised for their honesty.
Very disappointing. I will not be able to read your opinions re gender neutrality the same way ever again.
sahm
18. Oct, 2009
folks: the reality is that girls and boys do get molested. we as parents, both moms and dads have to listen to that inner voice and follow it. but i look at the spirit of the person when making these types of decisions. women are equally capable of abusing children - it may be verbal or physical - it is still abuse and i try to keep my children in nurturing environments and away from those types of people. having said that, i have two young men in their early twenties who work for me and i trust them to watch my boys sometimes.
Kaily
30. Oct, 2009
I see no problems with you having doubts in the back of your mind regarding having a male caregiver, it’s only natural to want to protect your daughter.