Could I Be Wrong to Dismiss "Gatekeeping"?
Posted on 09. Jun, 2008 by Brian Reid in General
There is a theory, the “gatekeeper theory,” that holds that the reason that dads are not more involved in childrearing is that they’re actively (if unconsciously) pushed away by moms. (There is also a parallel concept — “momblocking” — referring to at-home dads who do the same thing.) I’ve never been a big fan of the general idea, mostly because I think dads are responsible for their level of involvement, and blaming mom doesn’t get you very far. (I think dadblocking is absurd for other reasons, too.)
But I like to think I’m open minded about parenting and gender roles, so I need to share the result of “the first study to examine things moms actually do on a day-to-day basis that have the potential to affect dads’ behavior,”which was conducted by the fine folks from Ohio State. Researchers followed 97 Midwestern couples and assessed whether dads were encouraged or criticized by moms and how involved they were.
The findings bolster the “gatekeeper” idea:
A study of 97 couples found that fathers were more involved in the day-to-day care of their infants when they received active encouragement from their wife or partner.
In fact, this encouragement was important even after taking into account fathers’ and mothers’ views about how involved dads should be, the overall quality of the couple’s parenting relationship, and how much mothers worked outside the home.
In addition, fathers’ beliefs about how involved they should be in child care did not matter when mothers were highly critical of fathers’ parenting. In other words, fathers didn’t put their beliefs into practice when faced with a particularly judgmental mother.
“Mothers are in the driver’s seat,” said Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, co-author of the study and assistant professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University.
“Mothers can be very encouraging to fathers, and open the gate to their involvement in child care, or be very critical, and close the gate.
“This is the first real evidence that mothers, through their behavior, act as gatekeepers by either fostering or curtailing how much fathers take part in caring for their baby.”
I’ll keep an eye on the research (the Ohio State researchers got a grant for a cool $400,000 to launch an expanded study of the topic), even if I’m inclined to continue my skepticism. My bottom line: if you’re a dad and you’re not as involved as you want to be with the kids, that’s your fault, not your spouse’s.
W
09. Jun, 2008
My experience supports it, at least to an extent. I’m pretty involved in day to day care, my wife doesn’t mind that. Though we have twins, so she doesn’t really have a lot of choice.
But she really hates to let me hold them when they’re really upset. If there is serious crying, then she gets upset if I don’t give her the baby.
Davesnot
09. Jun, 2008
My wife says I push her away.. I don’t think it’s a Mom or a Dad thing.. it’s just the interaction of different pesonalities and differnt parenting skills..
Lone Star Ma
09. Jun, 2008
I don’t care what either parent does - you are as involved as you want to be. There is probably truth to the fact that dads are more involved when encouraged to be and less involved when criticized but I am not going to to be the cheering section for every half-***ed attempt a grown man makes - men who really pull their weight will get the encouragement they may crave. If they act like they can’t feed a kid a balanced breakfast, they deserve to be criticized. I save my molly-coddling for the infants… I want my man to be a strong partner. I can’t seem to recall anyone cooing about what a wonderful mom I am because I can get the baby dressed all by myself…but you know I will catch it if I pack junk food in her daycare lunch. That’s how it is when you are grown up. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Sorry.
Melissa
09. Jun, 2008
Hi there,
I’m so happy to have stumbled upon your blog! I’m a health reporter for msnbc.com, and I’m working on a story about this “maternal gatekeeping” study.
Right now, I’m looking for moms & dads who can comment on the study and share their own experiences. If you’re interested, please e-mail me at melissa.dahl@msnbc.com, and we’ll set up a time to chat.
Thanks so much!
Melissa Dahl
melissa.dahl@msnbc.com
425.421.1433
Hogan
11. Jun, 2008
My research and book supports the maternal gatekeeper theory. I contend, however, that most moms unknowingly and unintentionally do more to discourage than encourage a fathers involvement because they focus too much on the how and not the what a dad does in caring for a child or the household duties.
Below is an excerpt from my book The Modern Moms Guide to Dads. http://www.momsguidetodads.com. The National Parenting Publications Awards named it a 2008 Gold Award recipient. The book is available wherever books are sold.
Ive also included some dad quotes. (Please note that the dads are sharing how they feel. They are not whining. Just noting the truth. )
From the book:
Dads in my classes have confided to me that they also feel frustrated and stressed about living up to their wives expectations of how things should be done at home. Making a dad feel inept as a caregiver doesnt help motivate him to be a caregiver. Being critical of how a dad diapers, dresses a child, or cooks discourages him from doing these things. Dads are capable of taking care of babies and kids, just as moms are capable of working outside of the home. Both need a little support and encouragement from their spouses to feel successful and motivated.
Dads say:
I wish my wife would trust and confide in me, relatives, friends, and neighbors more often to help care for the children.
Id like to see my wife not let the way she is dressed or our child is dressed or what kind of clothes they are wearing define her role as a mother. Its okay for our kids to not be color-coordinated.
Ive chosen to use color coordination as an example here because it seems to be really important to many moms, including my wife. Once I realized this, I made an effort to learn how to color coordinate so that on important occasions, the kids would be dressed nicely, but Tina also compromised by looking the other way most days. She came to realize that its the what, not the howthat its more important that the kids be dressed, fed, and happy than whether or not their clothes match or they used spoons for their pancakes instead of forks.
Not in book:
I asked Tina. How do you like it when your mom or my mom offers you suggestions as to how the children should be taken care of? Tina said, I hate it.
Well, you do it to me too. And I hate it . Why cant you accept the way I care for the kids?
From the book:
To illustrate this point, I asked a group of moms in one of my workshops, How do you feel when your mom or your mother-in-law gives you advice, old-school remedies, or criticizes the way you care for your baby?
The moms in the group were obviously fed up with such help. I got a lot of answers:
I hate when she does that! exclaimed one new mother.
It makes me feel incompetent, added another.
A third mom added, It makes me feel like Im not being a good mother.
Unwittingly, this is how moms make their h
Hogan
11. Jun, 2008
Continued from last post.
Oops! Couldn’t fit all the text in.
Unwittingly, this is how moms make their husbands feel when they try to teach parenting skills to them. Hard as it is, if you want your husband to have a happy attitude toward parenting, the most effective tactic is to bite your tongue and let him learn.
Sarah gave me a list of five things to do around the house while she was gone for the day. I only got two of them done because I was too busy having fun with the girls. When she came home I was in the middle of braiding Katies hair. Instead of appreciating the time she had to herself and our father/daughter moment, Sarah went off on me in front of the kids for not meeting her expectations of a clean house . . . She also made me look bad in front of the kids.
My wife gets frustrated with me because the house isnt as clean as she would
like it to be. She reminds me how clean and organized she keeps the house. I
hate it when she does that. I admit that she is better at managing the household.
But thats because she spends more time at home alone while Im at work. I think she forgets to take that into consideration.
Kelly says that I dont do enough housework and if I do more, that Ill get more sex. I tell her that I think I do a fair share and that if she gives me more sex, Ill do more housework. I feel like were in a Mexican stand-off.
Lone Star Ma
13. Jun, 2008
I don’t see the validity of the MIL comparison because your MIL is probably not your partner in raising the kids. I don’t want to dismiss the feelings of dads, but I’ve seen far too often how the reality of that gate-keeping behavior tends to be criticizing 5 dinners of fried cheese sticks per week and never any clean underwear for the kids to wear to school. I myself have bery low standards for housekeeping, cooking, etc. - but there are minimum standards that must be met and those become more important as kids get older and need for their friends to be allowed to come over to one’s dirty house. Most moms know that this day is coming.