Everything You Could Possible Want to Know About SAHDs
Posted on 31. Jan, 2008 by Brian Reid in General
The Economist’s lifestyle magazine, Intelligent Life, last month ran what has to be one of the longest stories on at-home fatherhood ever penned. I’d love to say that the piece dug up some profound realities, but it’s mostly the same ol’ stuff (even if they did quote Peter Baylies).
They did manage to bury some interesting nuggets, most of them from Yale’s Kyle Pruett, my second-favorite academic in the world. To whit:
Far more interesting, Pruett feels, and possibly a factor that could limit the number of couples who make the switch, is the other, female side of the story. He observes from his research that there is a limit to how far women are happy with the arrangement, even if it makes sense. As the years go by, Pruett has observed that the women in his study who are the sole breadwinners face a struggle not to feel they are sacrificing too much of their femaleness. “The babies are fine,” he says, “the men are OK, but I believe it is a much more complicated journey for the mothers.”
The question of how at-home fatherhood works for women is an interesting point, and one that is almost never discussed (just as fathers are left out of most work-life discussions that center on women). I’d love to see that explored in a little more depth.
(Also worthwhile: the story’s description of the American SAHD community:
Alongside this domestic ego-support, fathers now have the online networks, support groups and what in America has become something like a political movement, with annual conventions and angry bloggers monitoring stereotypical representations in the media.
“Angry bloggers?” Am I really that angry?)
Thanks to DaddyTypes for spotting this.
Ginny
31. Jan, 2008
I get that the women could be the ones that have larger issues with the SAHD situation. Although I don’t know that I would label it as losing their femaleness.
My husband stays home, and while he does have an income from a disability, I do see myself slip (sometimes a bit too comfortably) into what might be considered a masculine stereotype when I come home at the end of the day—wishing things were quieter, neater, etc. My husband does a great job and I have no complaints, but it is scary how quickly I can fall into that mental trap without meaning to at all.
savvydaddy
31. Jan, 2008
I thought the most interesting anecdote was the dad who submitted this comment:
“I do tend to get extra credit for looking after the kids simply because I’m a man. Oddly, this reaction seems to come in particular from housemums who are doing exactly the same job. Meanwhile, my wife has to endure general disapproval because ‘mothers should put their children first’ and ‘working mums aren’t dedicated enough to their jobs.’”
David
01. Feb, 2008
Why can’t parents just be seen as parents? Sometimes I feel like a lab rat when they do these studies. (oops, sounded angry
).
My wife and I knew immediately who could stay at home and who could not. She doesn’t have any second thoughts about it. I do, especially after each dirty diaper that children seem to think that they have to fill up even though they are growing into larger diapers
.
And I didn’t start a blog because I was angry but because I wanted to connect with other at home parents.
I agree with savvydaddy. I get treated differently because I do stay at home. So I just want to give a shout out to Moms who stay home - We love you!
Ethel
01. Feb, 2008
Thanks for your comment on the moms, Rebeldad. I’ve had a hard time adapting, partly because for some reason the “supermom” stigma didn’t go away w/ DH’s job. When I stayed home after the kids first , I expected to be the main one doing the chores and providing care for the children even in the evenings after DH came home from work. I thought things would be divided more equally when he started staying home, but it took him some time to get onboard with that. It felt very “My job is hard and I deserve a break.”
Since we’d had me staying at home just months earlier, it seems clear to me that the expectation for him to get a break at the end of the day while I worked was either gender related, or just laziness. Fortunately, something clicked for him recently and I am now having to adjust to not feeling guilty when my husband has dinner ready for me when I get home, and then does the dishes while I finish eating (WOW!). In my defense - I preprep the meals so he just has to throw them in the crockpot in the AM, so I am doing my share.
Working Dad
01. Feb, 2008
Dr. Kyle Pruett is one of the most interesting family researchers out there. I just interviewed him for a story about daddy support groups. Thanks for the post RD.
Suzanne
01. Feb, 2008
Dear Rebel Dad,
My brother is the primary caretaker of my 5 year old nephew who attends a gifted kindergarten class at a New York public school. My brother is a stay at home Dad working at home while my nephew’s mother lives in another country and has little contact with her son. He is very involved in the PTA yet he is encountering a great deal of sexism from the women class reps. They insist on having a women’s night out and although I have addressed this, their response is that my brother should start a father’s night out. I told them this was exclusionary. They insist on continuing this although I feel strongly that the school, a public instiution, would frown on this. I am now getting emails from the husbands saying this is no big deal, just women wanting to get together and that they don’t feel excluded. It is engendering animosity but it is an all girl’s club atmosphere and this is the 21st century. Any suggestions on how to have this changed so that all parents are privy to the behind the scenes networking that invariably goes on?
I raised a son by myself when my husband passed away from 8 years old who is now 30. He finds what the PTA class representatives are doing as offensive as well because he remembers being excluded from all male gatherings that I couldn’t attend. Any suggestions on how to deal with this anachronistic behavior? Thanks so much for any advice. It is clearly hurting my nephew socially as well.
Suzanne
Bob
03. Feb, 2008
Only time and a few enlightened minds at a time will change the parental sexism that goes on in the playgrounds, in the school, in the homeschool group.
Some women fear having a man enter their group because they have jealous husbands. If those husbands find out there’s a man in the group and she talks about him accidentally or otherwise, it’s a fight. Just like some wives who find out about the beautiful golfer who joins the husband’s foursome.
There are a lot of things that come to bear in this type of situation. It’s not just a question of how to open the doors; it’s what to do once the doors are open.