What Women Want
Posted on 07. Feb, 2007 by Brian Reid in General
Following on MP Dunleavey’s NY Times piece on the strange struggle of the female breadwinner, I’ve run into a couple more piece that look at “reverse traditional” families where the wife makes most (or all) of a family’s income. I’m surprised, actually, that there haven’t been more looks at the subject from this angle — I still see a lot more about at-home dads than the women they are married to.
(And, as an aside, one of the nice things about stories about primary-breadwinning-women is that they nearly always take some time to explore the choices of the spouse, while stories about at-home dads rarely delve into much depth about mom — robbing those stories of a great deal of context.)
At any rate, the LA Times takes on the story this week, and they pull enough stats and anecdotes together to make a strong case that the reverse traditional family is coming on strong — and working well. Even the headline is positive (“She earns more, and that’s OK”). It’s a far cry from the hatchet job Newsweek performed two years ago, when they lined up a dour series of at-home dads and overworked moms for a piece with the title “She Works. He Doesn’t.”
On a more personal note, an at-home dad on one of the message boards pulled up a gem from Marie Claire (last year, maybe) titled Why I Left My Beta Husband. It’s a weird piece, and the end makes it even weirder — further evidence that it is nearly impossible to distill a marriage (and a divorce) into a few hundred words. But from reading the LA Times, Beta Husbands seem just as safe (and probably more happy) than their alpha peers.
cali williams yost
07. Feb, 2007
Another great example of how our traditional rigid definitions of work+life success are expanding and morphing to allow each of us-both men and women-to find our unique “fit.” But the struggle is on the opposite side of the work+life continuum for men and women. For men it’s with their traditionally role of “provider,” and with women it’s with their role as “caregiver.” Slowly we are all taking advantage of all of those countless options somewhere in the middle. Hooray!
lizriz
07. Feb, 2007
I’m curious if you know of any mommy blogs that are written by mothers who’s husbands are stay-at-home dads?
Amy Vachon
07. Feb, 2007
Brian,
I’ve long admired your writing and knowledge of parenting/balance, but haven’t yet written to you until now. Today, I just had to write. My husband Marc and I (yes, another Marc and Amy, but I LOVE my Beta husband and I’m keeping him) are passionate about equal sharing - that sometimes elusive middle ground between stay-at-home Mom and stay-at-home Dad. We both work 30 hours per week, and each have lots of time to be home with our kids on our own. The bonds we’ve both forged with our kids are priceless, and we’ve done so while still being able to maintain meaningful careers and bring in enough money. We are now dedicated to sharing the benefits and challenges (and how-to’s) of this lifestyle with others. From your past writings here and on ‘On Balance’, I suspect you would enjoy visiting our website: http://www.equallysharedparenting.com. We would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks, and keep up the cause of involved dads and balanced lives!
-Amy Vachon
amy@equallysharedparenting.com
Rebel Dad
07. Feb, 2007
lizriz — halfchangedworld.com is a good start, though I’m there are others that I just can’t think of right now.
Amy — Thanks for sharing. I’ll check it out.
Pete Aldin
08. Feb, 2007
My wife has earned more than me for the past 7 years. Sometimes that’s a hard one to wear, but most of the time I just look at her and realise “She’s happy doing what she’s doing and I’m happy doing what I’m doing.” It’s not about the money, it’s about the lifestyle.
Working Dad
09. Feb, 2007
RebelDad - I’m not sure when you find time to work and raise your kids because you are nearly always first to uncover interesting parenting articles.
Rebel Dad
09. Feb, 2007
Paul -
a) I have an army of wonderful people who send me stuff/write about it first (where do you think the Alternadad post came from?). I do very little original thinking. But if it’s new to you …
b) My children are currently raising themselves, with the aid of RebelMom. Very independent, those kids.
James
09. Feb, 2007
That was an interesting article. Also on MSN Lifestyle was I Love My Alpha Wife that gives another perspective.
Christof
10. Feb, 2007
For the most part, this L.A. Times article validates your analysis and optimism.
Of course, at the end, it pushes a bit toward representing households in which women make more, are the primary breadwinners as deviant and/or dangerous when it implies that divorce is more likely in such a non-traditional household (I believe you made a critique of exactly this issue in another entry in which you analyzed another media outlet’s coverage of stay-at-home dads).
On a completely different note, I’m just setting out in the blogsophere myself and, though I haven’t had much time to come back to your blog (with a 2-year-old and 5-month old), and a full-time job (which has fairly flexible hours and allows me to take care of our kids for about 15 hours a week while my wife works part time), I enjoy your entries — especially the media criticism (which, as a professor of journalism studies) is something I love to do as well.
Finally, as another person noted above, I’d be interested in mommy blogs written by moms in households in which dad stays at home too.
Kelly M. Bray
12. Feb, 2007
Brian, can you give me a link about that board essay you were talking about? I read the Marie Clare article, and the nicest thing I can say about it is it is disturbing. Thanks.
a VERY UNHAPPY WOMAN
15. Feb, 2007
Let me put this bluntly - as a woman who has tragically had to take care of herself and others through two marriages - I am sick to death of all this woman can do it all attitude. I am devested that my husband no longer wishes to work outside the home. We have a three year old and I want to stay home but that somehow just is not in the cards. If you ask me this trend of men staying home is good but also a very bad thing - I cannot tell my family about this afer two years - they just would not be supportive- thank god they live in Alaska. Some women do well in a career - I am just surviving and I hate it.