A Look from the Flip Side
Posted on 02. Feb, 2007 by Brian Reid in General
As with everything else lately, I’m late to note the interesting first-person piece by MP Dunleavey in last weekend’s New York Times, where she talks about the strange, uncomfortable feeling about being the sole breadwinner while her husband does the at-home dad thing.
I’m not entirely certain what to make of it … Obviously, I’m not a “breadwinner mom,” so I’m not surprised that I don’t get it. There were certainly head-scratching moments during the time I was an at-home dad, when I was acutely aware that I was flouting traditional gender roles, but it was never the sense of anxiety that Dunleavey writes about. (Incidentally, Elizabeth at Half Changed World writes that her experience hasn’t matched Dunleavey’s.)
At its root, I think her piece reflects the fact that we still have invisible societal barriers to overcome no matter how gender-neutral our own outlook is. More than three years ago, Dunleavey was doing at-home dad math, so I’m sure her arrangement was something she had thought long and hard about. But no matter how well-prepared you are, it can be weird headed out into the new millennium in anything other than traditional roles. But attitudes are changing fast, and I look forward to pulling up Dunleavey’s musings three years from now and marveling at how old-fashioned it will seem.
Christof
10. Feb, 2007
I just read Dunleavy’s piece.
I agree that it isn’t the most focused op ed I’ve seen.
It’s interesting to note, I think, that I, as a working dad, feel some of the same jealousy that Dunleavy expresses in terms of her husband — and that my wife, who works part time, but is the primary stay-at-home parent, feels jealousy about my being able to get out and work.
These aren’t constant feelings. But they are there. Though I spend a lot more time with my two young daughters (two years old, 5 months old) than most working dads (I have primary care of both for about 15 hours a week), I often wish I could spend more time with them.
I’m jealous that Christine’s has managed to bond much more effectively with our 5-month-old too (despite a lot of work on my part to bond with her; and despite the fact that I bonded fairly easily at a young age with my first daughter).
Christine also finds herself wanting to get out and work, escape the kids (I know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed by the two of them when taking care of them alone).
It’s quite likely that we’ll end up similar to the “equally shared parenting” couple that posted a comment to a different post on your blog.
In any case, I had a feeling that some of the emotions/experiences I’m having as a working dad who would like to spend more time with his kids would, perhaps oddly, and paradoxically, not oddly at all, parallel the experiences/emotions of working moms such as Dunleavy with stay-at-home partners — which is why I’d be interested in tracking down websites/blogs written by these mothers (many of whom probably don’t have much energy or time to blog)
starfish
20. Feb, 2007
Just found your blog and I’m glad I did. I’m passing your link along to my husband.
I have always been the one to earn the most money in our house. We have recently adopted a baby, and have decided that I will now be the sole financial provider and hubby will stay at home. Dunleavey’s article is pretty vague, but I know what she’s getting at. “Renegotiating expectations” is the crux of it - it’s not easy to have to tell your husband he didn’t clean the bathroom yet this week, or can he please call the insurance company today before they cancel us, or does he think he’ll make it out to the post office this century without seeming like at best a nag, or at worst a power hungry feminist hell bent on making him feel inferior. So we do it ourselves instead.