Here We Go Again
Posted on 02. Mar, 2006 by Brian Reid in General
I’ve written far too many posts about the “mommy wars” (or, more accurately, the “stupid mommy wars”), but it looks like I’m destined to write far too many more. There is the coming Caitlin Flanagan book, which is sure to re-open old wounds. And today I find out about a coming collections of essays with the migraine-inducing title “Mommy Wars: 26 stay-at-home and career moms face off on their choices, their lives, and their families”. (Thanks to the BusinessWeek working parents blog for flagging this.)
The book isn’t out yet, but I’m also tensing myself for disaster. Newsweek excerpted part of one essay, in which the writer, Sandy Hingston, comes to the not-entirely-subtle conclusion that her decision to embrace career contributed to a general meltdown in the behavior of her children. The take-home message: working moms shortchange their kids. And it shows. Perhaps the rest of the book will be more balanced, and maybe the overall thesis is that parenthood requires a set of compromises — compromises that will differ for every parent, every family. But given Hingston’s excerpt and the book’s title, I won’t hold my breath.
Of course, they lost me at “Mommy Wars.” The mommy wars story is a complete fiction for three main reasons, and “mommy wars” is a term that no thoughtful writer should ever use without scorn. It assumes:
1. There are two warring factions. This is, of course, complete bunk. Just about every at-home parent will do a stint working outside the home. And in an era of increasingly flexible work arrangements (especially for, say, book contributing writers), there’s a growing gray area between “working” and “at-home.”
2. This is a war someone can win. No single arrangement is going to work for everyone. As much as I’ve enjoyed the various work-family permutations in my household, I don’t preach them as gospel to the couple next door. The most options, the better. Being at home isn’t the best option for everyone. Neither is working 60 hours a week. We don’t need a take-no-prisoners crusade for either one.
3. The discussion only involves women: Thank goodness for the Time piece from earlier this week calling for a daddy war. We don’t really need a daddy war, of course, but fathers need to be a part of the conversation about work-family balance. In a two-parent family, decisions about working and staying home are not made in a vacuum.
There is a bright side. As much as this whole thing pains me, at least I’m not Miriam Peskowitz, who wrote The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars, a brilliant piece of writing that should have ended the whole moronic debate once and for all. This sort of stupidity must *really* get to her.
Mark B.
02. Mar, 2006
In reference to the essay from Ms. Hingston, was she married to a SAHD and puts her children’s issues on him?
If her kids ended up in a kiddie kennel for a long period of time, there is a pretty good chance that they will develope some behavioral problems in my opinion.
As for the books title, maybe something like the “Mommy Quandry” or “Mommy Conflict” would have been a better choice.
Rebel Dad
02. Mar, 2006
I like the emerging alliterative phrase for dads going through the same sort of soul-searching: the “daddy dilemma.” Much more accurate than the “war” analogy, and it doesn’t pit parent against parent …
Meredith
02. Mar, 2006
I was talking about this issue last week with my husband, who’s been listening to my rantings about the so-called “war” for weeks.
I told him this: I feel like the moment I became a mom — regardless of what choices I made for work or for the care of my kids — I would inevitably be deemed a failure by: The radicals on the “women-must-work-full-time-or-they-are-selling-out-their-feminist-brethren” side, OR by the “if-you-don’t-stay-with-your-kids-24/7-they’ll-turn-into-ax-murderers” side.
No matter what decision I made, even if I tried to balance both, somebody, somewhere would be wagging a judgmental finger, and writing articles about “wars” between moms.
For fathers, I can only imagine that the complex decision about being at home or at work or at part-time work resonates much differently between fathers than it does among mothers.
Miriam
02. Mar, 2006
Hi Rebel Dad,
Well I am Miriam Peskowitz, and yes, the stupidity of the debate really gets to me. Again and again. Especially when I know how hard it is to get more balanced approaches out there. Our media loves the mom catfight, and they promote it again and again, in tv shows, in magazines, and in who gets contracts to publish books.
And I agree with your point about including dads, but not using war time metaphors. We have enough wars. We’re talking about the future of family life here, and how to get our voices which are about complexity and real life out there, over the din of the 20-year-old media mommy wars.
Miriam
Author, The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars
devra
10. Mar, 2006
Sadly I am getting the feeling many of the reporters who are writing book about moms are merely turning to those they work with or know and are not venturing much farther their own office door and rolodex.
devra
10. Mar, 2006
pardon the many typos in my last comment. Too many things going on at once in my house. Why don’t they have spell check on these things? Maybe this is something we could unite and fight for?