Dear Abby Warns At-Home Mom of the SAHD Charms
Posted on 07. Dec, 2007 by Brian Reid in General
Let’s be clear about one thing: while parts of “Little Children” was close to the mark, the whole, central, at-home-mom-and-at-home-dad-have-torrid-affair-out-of-boredom plotline was exceedingly far-fetched. Maybe I live a sheltered life, but there ain’t a lot of extramarital playground smooching going on where I come from.
So I was a bit surprised when “Dear Abby” warned an at-home mom that that awkward feeling she gets around a certain at-home dad was a Danger, Will Robinson kind of feeling:
DEAR ABBY: I am a stay-at-home mother with three young children. I have become friends with another stay-at-home parent. We share many things in common, and our children are great playmates. The problem is, my friend is a man.Even though both of us are happily married, sometimes we feel awkward spending time together. Our spouses are not thrilled about us hanging out together, but they haven’t forbidden it because they trust us to be faithful.
Is it appropriate for a man and a woman to spend time together while their spouses are at work? – AT HOME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN’S HUSBAND
DEAR AT HOME: It depends upon the individuals involved and whether there is a physical attraction. In your case, because you “sometimes feel awkward spending time together,” I suggest you limit it – because what you’re feeling may be sexual tension.
Has it occurred to you to include other stay-at-home parents in these visits? That might be a way to diffuse the situation without ending the friendship.
Maybe I’ve retained the delightful naiveté that kept me from dating much before I was 16, but is there really that much sexual tension running through co-ed playdates?
weebitty
07. Dec, 2007
I don’t think the SAH is really relevant here-the issue seems more about how difficult it can be to have a friendship and be in frequent proximity to someone you are attracted to. Attraction can develop in all sorts of situations where people get to know one another. The danger alarms can go off at the sandbox, the office, the pub, wherever. Seems like a stretch to focus on the SAH aspect.
Daddyman
07. Dec, 2007
I has to chuckle, it almost sounds like one of those “I can’t believe this happened to me letters.”
I agree it’s a stretch though. There has been times where I’ve taken my son to play before I was a STAD and had women come up and have a conversation and offer a number to me.
I think part of it is the attraction of a father who truly enjoys spending quality time with family, and that’ll probably be more effective at catching a SO’s eye than any expensive date every will.
Greg Barbera
07. Dec, 2007
i don’t see why people of the opposite sex can’t have relationships.
does your husband every have lunch or drinks with a female co-worker?
when i work at a newspaper the editorial dept. was primarily female so it wasn’t unusual for me to join one of the ladies for lunch from time to time where we would talk shop.
i see my playdates-with-my-AHMs as something similiar: two people “on the job” having a conversation; i.e. talking shop.
i think it also boils down to the kind of relationship you have with your spouse. my wife is a tom boy and always has had guy friends. and she was elemental in me calling her mom friends when i first started feeling isolated.
although i have noticed that some playdates with kids have either dropped off or ended and i have a sneaking suspicion the husbands weren’t too keen on the wives hanging out with a dude.
i personally enjoy the nice mix of gal talk (i can speak freely of laundry, kid sickness and vacuuming woes moreso than with my guy friends) but also general adult stuff like books, movies and music which pretty much dominates my life.
i’m aging out of this anyway as my 4 yr. old is almost up to feeling comfortable being dropped off at someone’s house but those earlier years w/ two boys it was a pleasure to have an AHM host or come to a playdate with my kids.
anyway, i need to get back to finishing my coffee, and the dishes and folding laundry and maybe trying to squeeze in some Xmas shopping before the 1pm bell tolls and i p/u one of my sons…
Kevin
08. Dec, 2007
I agree with Greg, before I quit the money job, I would hang out with women for lunch or after work and I really see no difference in it here at home with playgroup moms.
I think that some of the awkward feelings might come from the gender stereotypes that are firmly in place as to what our professions are.
I, again like Greg, enjoy talking to women in the playgroups because they are the people I have stuff in common with. I don’t even talk to my wife about some of the stuff I talk to them about (dishwasher detergent, diapers, current events), much less my guy friends, simply because we don’t have any of it in common.
Dynastar
08. Dec, 2007
Is it our fault if AHDs are sexy?
Matt
08. Dec, 2007
It is hard enough for me to have a “relations” with my wife with my child around. How does she expect that anything could happen with 6 kids around during a play date?
Rick
10. Dec, 2007
Matt - Truer words have never been said!
Angie in Texas
11. Dec, 2007
Matt: LOL!!!
delurking from cynical dad . . .
Joe
12. Dec, 2007
Women want me because I keep a neat house and bake like a bandit…and I can’t rightly help that, but there is just one lady for this SAHD…sorry playgroup.
Dennis
15. Dec, 2007
I don’t know about you guys but for me a play date with a bunch of crazy, screaming kids running around does not provide the kind of atmosphere usually associated with romance of any kind. Besides, life is complicated enough with ONE woman and two kids to take care of. Why would i want to add another? (woman)
Bob Meade
22. Dec, 2007
Must be something to it, at least in some people’s minds. ‘Cos the number of blog comments has spiked up to 10 before this one - much more than number of comments on Brian’s run-of-the-mill blog post.
Crystal
29. Dec, 2007
As a former SAHM and friend to several SAHDs….I gotta say we all agree that this is remarkably ridiculous. My SAHD friends were just like my SAHM friends: someone to swap stories about our kids, lament the late nights and early mornings and discuss interests with.
Also: Go SAHDs, you truly rock! More fathers should be as involved with their kids. This is a trend I hope to see continue.
PS> Me and the old man swap work out of the home days so my kiddos have either Mama or Dad all of the time.