It's Not About the Money
Posted on 21. Nov, 2006 by Brian Reid in General
I just plowed through the extensive piece titled “Trophy Husbands,” that ran in the other Times, the one over in the UK. It’s a demoralizing read made all the worse by the fact that the author appears to be a work-from-home, primary caregiver guy. But rather than a story about the joys and agonies of being with the kids, it’s mostly about the havoc wreaked on the male ego when the wife makes more money. It’s snarky and wildly anecdotal — I may run in the wrong crowds, but I don’t see this kind of woe-is-me reaction to women’s earning power in the at-home dads I know.
Of course, I have a knee-jerk reaction to the underlying thesis, which is that high-earning women are a threat to men. Is the suggestion seriously that we’d be better off rolling back the clock 50 years?
But we’re not without a silver lining, and in the scattershot reporting, author John-Paul Flintoff talks to a representative from Fathers Direct, who makes perfect sense:
Duncan Fisher, of Fathers Direct, says: “The old ‘gender agenda’ is based on the premise that you can fix equality for women with no reference to men at all. This is based on a deep sense that men can’t change, won’t change and don’t really care about their children like mothers do.”He thinks change is occurring: “The new gender agenda is about interdependence — you can’t fix women’s lot without engaging with men. The new agenda accepts that men are as passionate as women about their children, that men are changing massively and that this is a huge opportunity for women and for men.”
Now that’s something I can get behind.
Working Dad
22. Nov, 2006
Hey, I brag that my wife makes more than I do all the time, though it’s easy to figure out on your own, since I’m a journalist and she’s an executive. I’m also glad she does. In my crowd, it just isn’t a huge deal. There are other interesting questions, however, such as how a family views a wife’s bigger income, how that plays out in who stays home etc…
Andy
22. Nov, 2006
I think a lot of it is due to a difference in British and US culture. I lived in England for almost 4 years before I had kids and it was pretty apparent to me that there is a lot more “machismo” attitude there as well as more traditional attitudes.
andyferg
23. Nov, 2006
Wow, that writer really went on a 1970′s stereotype bender! Even accounting for cultural differences, this piece (or the attitudes behind it) are at least 35 years out of date.
Too bad it so seriously disparages the concept of “trophy husband”…that’s one of my favorite ways to describe myself!
- Andy, a very content trophy husband.
Al
27. Nov, 2006
I agree with what Fisher from Fathers Direct says. I have always marveled at how many people believe that “women’s issues” don’t have anything to do with men. If men are the “problem,” how are women going to change anything without our involvement? When I was a member of a group at Iowa State University called “Men Against Rape & Sexism” that was for MEN ONLY, I was amazed at how offended some women were when we did not allow them into our discussions. First of all, they failed to understand that men could help other men to NOT rape women and be sexist. Secondly, they failed to understand that men would not say how they really felt, and thus learn how to CHANGE, if women were there.
Gender roles are changing and that is a good thing for families AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, for children.
And my wife making more money than me is a bad thing how?
BritDad
27. Nov, 2006
my country and culture, I should just say…MORE machismo in the UK than the US? MORE traditional values in the UK than the US? Ahem…
Gentlemen, I think you need to get out more - or perhaps read a foreign newspaper.
I think it’s fair to say that in the rest of the world, Americans are seen as overweight aggressive gun-toting reactionaries who cling to religion and out-dated social structures in a crazed belief that the American Way (i.e. the cosy mom’s apple pie WASP stereotype with the father as head of the family) to be the Only Way. And Goddamn it! We’ll nuke anyone who thinks otherwise!
Having said all that, that article was awful. Reading that, I’d probably have thought the British were living in some deluded Dickensian timewarp too.