Posted on 24. Apr, 2004 by Brian Reid in General
This must be an interesting household to live in: a year or so ago, Cathi Hanauer got together a bunch of women to write about modern motherhood, and the provocatively titled book, The Bitch in the House became a much-talked about tome in certain quarters. Now, Hanauer’s husband has assembled what I suppose is a companion tome: The Bastard on the Couch : 27 Men Try Really Hard to Explain Their Feelings About Love, Loss, Fatherhood, and Freedom. It comes out next week, and I’ll give you the full review as soon as I get the book and actually, y’know, read it.
A posting at the New Republic’s site brought “The Bastard on the Couch” to my attention, and the take of the piece — penned by senior editor Ruth Franklin — is worth looking at. Her conclusion from looking at “Bitch,” “Bastard” and all of the silly “mommy wars” crap foisted on the public in the last year (see this post from last week for more on the war that isn’t) is certainly unique. And it bears amplification.
Her point, boiled down, is this. If there’s one thing that all these writer parents — moms and dads, working and at-home — seem to agree about, it’s that kids are a royal pain in the ass. Franklin nicely harvests the best examples of writers trying to top each other with descriptions of how dirty and utterly boring children are. “With all this focus on parental self-pity, it’s hardly surprising that while their paraphernalia is ubiquitous in these pieces, the children are virtually absent,” Franklin writes. “When the little cherubs do make an appearance, they are savaged.”
This is a heckuva good point that has been lost: in the quest for martyrdom, these parents have lost sight of what fun it is to parent. Sure, kids are capable of being difficult, but the benefits outweigh the costs by a staggering amount. So thank you Ruth, for giving me a new quick-and-easy rule when it comes to evaluating writings on motherhood and fatherhood: Any book, any article on parenting that ignores or belittles kids should be viewed with extreme caution. After all, isn’t this gig about the kids?
amy
27. Apr, 2004
Part of it’s about the kids. Part of it’s about the parents. I see nothing wrong with focusing solely on the parents sometimes. I hear we’re people too.
I’ve only had a short stint on the job so far — nine months — but a lot of it really is damn boring. Yes, my daughter’s wonderful. She’s also really dull and taxing to spend the entire day with. Now, I don’t know anyone who goes into parenthood expecting to have conversations on foreign affairs, cocktails, and ten-mile hikes with their toddlers. The job is not a “me, me, me” gig. That doesn’t take away from the tedium or physical demands of the job, or the fact that once you’ve signed on, they ain’t no quitting. I don’t see any reason to avoid talking about that, particularly in the sentimental atmosphere that prevails in most mass media, business, and government.
hang on -
amy
27. Apr, 2004
While these books can seem like endless pissing and moaning, I think they’re useful in amplifying the chorus about structural problems that make parenting such a goddamn chore in this country. My pet culprit is the lack of serious part-time jobs and high-quality, affordable part-time childcare, which would allow more parents to be parents and themselves simultaneously. We don’t just shed our old selves when the baby comes out. Gah — I just had this conversation with the woman who cuts my hair. She said, “Didn’t you get the memo? Once you have kids, you have no life.” No. Wrong. Not happening here.
Rebel Dad
27. Apr, 2004
Hmmm … I’m still with Franklin. This can be a painfully dull job, but I have to admit that it is made out in many of these publications to be far worse than it actually is. You can say that much of parenting — especially at the infant stage — is mind-numbing, but you don’t need to villify the kids.
I agree with everything else — there are serious, serious problems with childcare/work schedules/etc. I’d like to go back to the days of those 10-mile granola-fueled hikes.
-rD