Posted on 17. Nov, 2003 by Brian Reid in General
Big news: the worst story ever written about at-home dads has been published. New York Magazine let loose with this piece of work titled “Alpha Women, Beta Men.” It’s bad, it makes the much-derided Newsweek cover story (can’t find active link, sorry) look like a Pultizer winner. In short, the story is about the trials and tribulations of powerful women who have at-home husbands. How bad is the story? Here’s a sampling of the way the men are described. Items from the story itself are in “single quotes,” and quotes from the story are in “‘double quotes:’”
“‘it’s like … where you realize you’re married to people who drink” … “puttered around the house” … “‘freeloading’” … “shell-shocked beta-spouse” … “‘like a child’” … “‘a parasite’” …”‘the bum’” … “even though some of the freeloaders are excellent fathers” …
Let’s be honest: there are reams of social science data (none quoted in the story) that suggested that swapping gender roles is a stress on a relationship. That’s not even up for debate. But this story goes well beyond that, spending thousands of words bashing those role-swapping men as no-good couch potatoes. Here are the three most disturbing elements of the author’s approach:
1. There’s a near-total avoidance of questions of parenthood and the value of raising the children. Can you seriously talk about househusbands without a serious discussion of fatherhood?
2. The story implies that you can be a do-nothing beta male even if you … bring home $16,000 on the side (according to one woman who makes $270,000 a year) or if you teach public school (according to a divorce mediator).
3. There’s latent sexism here with regard to the “beta” role in the family. If the story had been reversed and quoted a bunch of cigar-munching male execs belittling their “do-nothing” wives, the author’s head would be on a stick.
I take all this with a grain of salt, and I doubt I’ll blog on this article again. The author, Ralph Gardner, Jr., writes about the world as if it consists solely of uber-rich Upper East Side professionals. It’s like reading about lost Amazonian societies — there’s a lot to the rituals that are so foreign as to be almost incomprehensible. A year ago, he botched a ‘mommy wars’ story by focusing on the same group of people … people who aren’t even representative of New York City, let alone America.
Bryan Nelson
17. Nov, 2003
It seems so threatening to some people when men (and women) try to not operate by gender roles.
And, how ironic - there is the Victoria Secret advertisement right next to the story…
Almost a men need to be men and women need to be women backlash.
Keep up the good work!
Bryan
Lei in Japan
18. Nov, 2003
Beeing enjoying your interesting blog. I’m a SAHM and just can’t understand how people can forget that in the end, it’s all about the kids. These people in the Alpha Females article and mommy wars article seem to be totally self-absorbed and utterly selfish.
Lei in Japan
18. Nov, 2003
Sorry, just noticed a glaring type - Been not being….
Lei in Japan
18. Nov, 2003
Ok, I’m sorry, I’m sure I’m majorly violating netiquette - typo not type. Obviously have a child hanging off me….
Mindy
22. Nov, 2003
I wanted to kick that guy (I couldn’t believe it was a guy writing that) and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know any of the people he interviewed for the article. There were so many things that made me sputter: parasite, waiver (!!!), beta-spouse, the bit comparing it to drinking…I was completely mortified, but it was like a train wreck. I couldn’t stop reading it.
We have a terrific arrangement-my dh lost his high-tech job, and I have a very good one at a nonprofit. It just makes sense for me to work and for him to stay with our 3 children, because his industry isn’t offering many jobs that pay what mine does, and we both feel it’s much better to have one parent home than to leave them with a nanny, or worse, in three different daycares. It took a while to get used to it, but what matters is that the bills are covered, we have a nice home, the children are secure and happy (and having an excellent example set for them that will pay off when they become parents), and we each respect the difficulties and rewards of our respective responsibilities. Really-what’s broken??
Vickie
11. Jun, 2005
Dear Rebel Dad,
Congratulations to you for caring for your children. I’m in a Work and Family college class where I’ve learned many benefits. As for the Gardner article, not only does he put down stay-at-home fathers,
any “professional” writer who refers to women in high-paying careers as “chics” is not a professional himself. He’s a derogattory, self-attention seeking journalist who doesn’t care what damage he does! More power to you and other dads!