Men: Shrinking Violets?
Posted on 26. Mar, 2008 by rebel in General
When it comes to explaining why dads aren’t more involved in childrearing, there is a rather silly theory that holds that it’s actually women who are at fault by keeping men at bay around the home, forcing fathers into a kind of inexperience that deter them from being equal partners around the home.
I have never entirely understood this theory. I can think of no area of human experience where men acquiesce to being elbowed out of the picture, and I just can’t imagine that this is really the biggest obstacle to equality.
I don’t understand it any better after reading Laura Sessions Stepp’s latest “Genderations” piece in the Washington Post today, where she boldly asserts that the bold new future of women in the workplace requires moms to quit their underhanded efforts to keep dads and kids apart. I could probably go line by line through the piece, but I’ll let some of her words speak for themselves:
… None of this is easy. We’re talking about changing habits of thought that go back to the days when women tended children in caves while their mates were out catching game and fighting off intruders. …… Both women and men feel more comfortable, [ Paula England, a Stanford University sociologist] says, when a mother assumes a traditional male role than when a father assumes a historically female role. “The men don’t know how to take [child raising] on, and the women don’t trust them to.”…
… “Ain’t nobody else going to do it. It’s all about being a daddy,” [Brian] responded. “I know I ain’t no punk. That’s what daddies do nowadays.”
I’m a bit speechless. Punks or no punks, I find it hard blame women for the shortcoming of men in the household.
Amy
26. Mar, 2011
Brian,
As a mom, I support the theory that mothers have a role in creating or obstructing equally shared parenting. A mom who believes she is better at parenting can, in the name of what is best for her children, try to maintain control. The success of equality depends on both parents - moms for their willingness to let go and dads for their willingness to step up (all speaking stereotypically, of course).
Even in my house, where we are trying very consciously to be equals, my husband Marc has to call out my controlling ways sometimes, and I have to admit to them. I’m happy to report this is all worth it, and I firmly believe our kids are getting the best of each of us because I’m learning to make equal room for Marc’s way and Marc stands up for his equal parent status.
So don’t let us moms off the hook so easily! Bucking the cultural norm is a joint project, and requires two willing partners.
Backpacking Dad
26. Mar, 2008
Perhaps the theory picks up on, but generalizes from, something that I think is otherwise true: different men stay home for different reasons.
(1) The Egalitarian. He stays home becuase he and his wife have long had the idea that when it came right down to it her income and professional development were more important to the family unit as a whole. He could take the financial back seat because they both decided this would be better for everyone involved.
(2) The Depressive. He stays home because he is finding little joy in his professional life, and as a matter of fact his wife could provide for the family just as easily. He takes the financial back because he himself can think of no where else he would want to be (because he kind of hates the professional choices he has made so far). He also loves his children, and takes such joy in raising them that he can’t imagine going back to work later. But his choice was driven by dissatisfaction rather than discussion.
(3) The Shrinking Violet. He stays home because his wife can’t imagine not going to work, and his income won’t contribute that much to their well-being. He is slightly controlled (directed?) by his wife at home anyway, but he takes on the at-home role more because she pushes him to do than because he asserts that he will.
This third group might be real. But just because it’s real that doesn’t mean it’s representative.
JohnMcG
26. Mar, 2008
Sure men can be shrinking violets. Ever get excited about an idea at work and have it dismissed? How quick were you to submit another idea?
Think this guy is going to jump at the next chance to help with cooking?
Think her husband is going to grab the keys the next time his daughter needs a ride to swimming lessons?
Yeah, it’s not a get-out-of-jail free card, and may not be the only factor in play. But read some more from the second link’s blog, and tell me she’s not elbowing dad out of the way.
JohnMcG
26. Mar, 2008
In the above post, “only factor” should be “most important factor.”
Jeremy Neal
26. Mar, 2008
Any man who blames his wife for not being able to better connect with the kids is a master of making excuses. If something is really important to you, then you make it happen. Dads do not live ‘by your leave’ of moms, and the fact is, most moms hate is when men act that way. It’s viewed as selfish or pathetic. As long as dads think of themselves as equal parents, then their actions will follow to support it. If they run into resistance or objections, then put your ‘big boy pants on and work through it! I agree with you 100% on this one. Thanks! -Jeremy @ Discovering Dad
batgirl
26. Mar, 2008
But the guy who didn’t know that cooked pasta doesn’t equal uncooked pasta IS a moron. Off the top of my head, I don’t know exactly how much pasta to cook to make two cups, but I know that it’s less than two cups. Because I’m not a complete idiot, I would look it up.
And the dad who forgot his kid’s towel? Inexcusable. If he packed her swimsuit, he should know to pack a towel with or without mom’s handy list.
These guys are just lazy because they can get away with it. When a man is domestically stupid, people are very forgiving, but if a mom forgot to pack her kid’s towel, then she would be the *worst* mom ever.
cristina
27. Mar, 2008
the worst mom ever? really? for forgetting a towel?
i think that woman needs to relax (and i know it’s hard to buck internalized oppression/cultural pressure) because i doubt her kid is going to spend years in therapy over that one, or even remember it in a week, but she *will* probably spend years in therapy from having a mother that was such a neurotic freak that picked at tiny imperfections.
in any case, ‘gatekeeping moms’ are not an uninvolved dad’s problem. i second jeremy, if it’s important to you, you make it happen.
Lone Star Ma
27. Mar, 2008
What batgirl said. If we moms are controlling when we insist that evenings include nutritious meals and homework, then I am glad to be controlling. When dads take care of business instead of going all disneyland, we are more than happy to “let” (please) them.
JohnMcG
27. Mar, 2008
Hmm — is cooking too much pasta a horrible crime that cries out for vengeance? I hate to waste food, but how much does a box of pasta cost? $1.19?
So maybe not knowing that does make it a moron. So, maybe his wife was within her rights to call him such. Then the questions is should she have? Or could they have chuckled over it as a learning experience without the hurtful words?
And I do suspect that if mom had forgotten the towel, it would have been an occasion for chuckling with other moms about how hectic life is and how many things they have to remember and none of this garbage about how every stroke with the borrowed towel must have felt like a razor blade cutting into the daughter’s skin.
Call them morons if you want to. But don’t think dad’s going to jump at the next chance to be ridiculed.
cristina
27. Mar, 2008
if dad is more concerned about his ego than his family then his wife is still not his biggest problem.
i think the ‘disneyland’ dad tends to be ‘disneyland,’ which is something of a different issue than being uninvolved, because they know mom will take care of it. she will be displeased and swoop in to get it done — let him sweat the consequences of his actions.
there are times when it may seem obvious that you shouldn’t do/allow something, but sometimes you have to screw up before you really learn from it. a small for instance, i learned my damn lesson about giving the two year old i watch even one sip of the coffee i only very occassionally buy in the afternoon (he’s been drinking sips of tea since he was like a year and that wasn’t me, that was his dad) because letting myself be charmed by the way his baby voice politely asks, ‘can i have some ceena? please. please. please.’ is not worth his acting completely nuts a few hours later. despite my nine years on the job, i was acting disneyland. it happens. i learned and straightened up.
if the disneyland dad is not harboring some ‘secret’ assumption that the kids are in truth your job and is really concerned with being there for his family in a more meaningful way not just as the ‘fun guy’ vs. mean mom, he’ll develop his parenting skills, which may not be your exact style, to incorporate more discipline and take better care of business.
also, i am nothing but in agreement that nights should ideally include both nutritious meals and homework, but does every single night absolutely have to? is there something so harmful about one night of a bowl of cereal for dinner? there has to be rules, you should be in charge, and you must be generally consistent, but shouldn’t you also be flexible? they’ll only get to be kids once so: although paint should stay on the paper, why not let them cover their entire body in green washable paint? although they should go outside to play, why not spend one day having a harry potter movie marathon?
JohnMcG
27. Mar, 2008
My point is we’re in a fallen world. It may be true that dads “shouldn’t” let correction and sarcasm and ridicule stop them from becoming more involved. And it’s not an excuse.
But dads are fallen human beings like everyone else. And this controlling behavior is one factor among many pulling dads away from greater involvement.
Should dads overcome this and do the right thing anyway? Absolutely. But it is human nature not to repeat behaviors that get one bonked in the head.
Alara Rogers
27. Mar, 2008
Dude, if you were at work, and it was your job to pack all the documents on the laptop for the big presentation, and you forgot one, I think you would probably get a bigger wrath of crap from your boss than the guy who forgot to pack the towel got from his wife.
*I* am tired of the notion that when Dad doesn’t do his job as well as mom (as determined not by “he didn’t do it exactly the way she would do it” but “he screwed up one of the basic requirements”, such as packing a towel for a person who would be swimming), it is not possible to criticize him because then oh noes! his poor wittle daddy fee-fees are hurt, and he goes back to his daddy cave. If you fucked up at work, your supervisor would chew you out, and if you don’t have a supervisor but a co-equal partner they will still chew you out. Say you and a partner own the business and you forgot the presentation. Your partner will be mad. He’ll bitch you out. Does that mean that next time there’s a presentation you’ll passive-aggressively make him write all the documents and save them to the laptop, or does it mean you’ll do better next time?
I mean, I’m not in favor of calling people morons for cooking too much pasta. There’s probably little harm done there and if you’ve never cooked pasta it’s an easy mistake. But bitching on your blog that your husband forgot your daughter’s towel doesn’t mean that you called him a child abuser or a fucking moron to his face, and it *does* mean that he needs to learn and do better. He wouldn’t get away with a failure like that at work witout being criticized; why should he get away with it at home?
Men are not stupid, not fragile, not poor emo woobies who need their feelings protected at all costs. Men, in fact, pride themselves on how tough they are. So how about manning up and being tough about your mistakes in child care? If you screw something up and your wife tells you so, it means DO BETTER NEXT TIME, just like if you screwed something up at work and your partner told you so. There is no good reason why the people who declare their entire identity rests in part on how strong and tough and realistic they are should suddenly fall apart and act like passive-aggressive babies because their wife criticized them for not doing a job she usually does as well as she does it. You don’t get to have it both ways; either being a man means you can take the heat, or it means you better step out of *all* the kitchens and go play Xbox all day and let the people who *can* take criticism do all the world’s work, both the child care and the stuff that makes money.
So no. I think most of what men think is “gatekeeping” behavior is an excuse for doing a job badly and then claiming that their feelings are too hurt by justifiable criticism to do the job again. If women had done this when trying to get ahead in the working world, we would still *all* be at home with the babies. The fact that men don’t hold themselves to the “twice as good
Alara Rogers
27. Mar, 2008
Whoops, that cut off. Ignore the truncated last sentence; I didn’t get a warning that my word count was too high before I posted.
JohnMcG
27. Mar, 2008
Men, in fact, pride themselves on how tough they are.
Perhaps what enables them to do that is a loving and supportive family.
Something to consider…
JohnMcG
27. Mar, 2008
To flesh this out a bit, being called a moron by your boss isn’t fun, but being called a moron by the person who knows you best and on whom you are supposed to rely for emotional support is another thing altogether.
What would you think of a husband who mocked his wife’s “fee-fees?” in a manner similar to the above?