The "Myth" of the Stay-At-Home Dad
Posted on 23. Jul, 2007 by rebel in General
Jason from Daddy in a Strange Land was nice enough to forward me on the latest latest blog entries by the always interesting Brazen Careerist Penelope Trunk. It was titled, provocatively “My own marriage and the myth of the stay-at-home dad,” and it detailed how her husband’s shift to at-home fatherhood may have accelerated the troubles in her marriage.
She suggests that the great “myth” of at-home fatherhood is that the really happy at-home dads are the ones who are secretly or not-so-secretly doing some part-time work. This is not entirely untrue: it was case for me when I was doing the SAHD thing, and I can list a number of at-home dads who do substantial nonprofit work or write or maintain servers or whatnot. But full-time fatherhood is *not* a one-way trip to divorce court. (And, indeed, the University of Texas data appears backs me up.)
In every marriage — no matter how the wage-earning and child-rearing is split up — there has to be a premium on doing what makes you happy. At-home fatherhood can’t just be a choice that looks good on paper. It can’t be only because “it’ll be good for the kids.” It has to be a move that both mom and dad are enthusiastic about. And the same goes for at-home motherhood (or any other family choice for that matter).
Penelope notes her discomfort that her husband has described himself (accurately, apparently) as a SAHD on his LinkedIn page. A family that views at-home fatherhood as something objectionable or shameful might not be ready for SAHD-dom. I always got a kick out of describing myself as an at-home dad, and I’ve purposely refused to update my information in my college directory, where I had myself listed as a homemaker. Different strokes …
I’m sorry to hear that Penelope’s family is struggling because of the some of the roles (and that they may not be the only family with at-home dads that feels the same way). And while I object to the idea that at-home fatherhood is somehow a risk factor for divorce, it’s not a silver bullet, either — it’s just another (under-used) choice in figuring out the work-life thing.
Elizabeth
23. Jul, 2007
Err, you mean full-time fatherhood is *not* a one-way trip to divorce court, right?
Amy Vachon
23. Jul, 2007
Brian,
I read Penelope’s blog daily, and should have sent you a heads up on the SAHD coverage - sorry, Jason beat me to it. Anyway, your response is truly eloquent. I agree 100%. Each person and couple has to find their own personal balance point between work and parenthood (and self and other responsibilities). It is when we live at someone’s else’s definition of balance that we get into trouble. Thanks, Brian! -Amy
Rebel Dad
23. Jul, 2007
ELB: Oops … corrected now!
daddy drivel
24. Jul, 2007
I never heard of her before, she’s horrible, not Ann Coulter bad but close. Here’s my favorite quote “My husband, in fact, has brought up divorce for other reasons. I am not totally sure which ones, to be honest, but I think it is career related since I have a great career and his sort of stalled when he became a stay-at-home dad and then went to hell from there.”
If my wife called me a failure on her blog I would probably skip the marriage counseling.
Dave Crowell
24. Jul, 2007
My background in Psychology has shown me that people looking for a reason to have a divorce will find one… and those looking to stay together will find a way.
In a way, the very idea that divorce is an option makes marriage harder than it needs to be. Not that I am for the way things were in the “old” days.. but if people _have_ to make something work, they usually can.
Jeremy Adam Smith
24. Jul, 2007
Trunk’s confused and tormented series of posts on this topic are part of a wave of essays and blog entries by breadwinning moms about their dissatisfaction with marriages to stay-at-home dads.
Some of these moms explicitly blame at-home daddyhood for their problems — they seem to feel that the arrangement robs their men of masculine authority and self-respect. In these stories there’s a recurring motif: the moment when a coworker or old school friend asks the mom what her husband does for a living, and she feels a deep sense of shame. She marks that as the moment when the marriage declined.
It’s really quite horrible, when you think about it. I think there’s two things going on, socially. One is that some women seem unprepared for the pressures of breadwinning, just as some dads must struggle with the demands of caregiving. They weren’t raised for these roles, they never imagined themselves doing it, and they have few role models. The second thing is that social support is extremely important — this is one of the insights that came out of the U. of Texas study Rebeldad mentions, and it’s certainly true in my experience. If you spend all day, every day, walking uphill with the wind in your face, you get tired. Much better to have people behind you, pushing you forward.
But we have tended to focus on social situation of the at-home dad, sometimes at the expense of the breadwinning mom: they need support, community, and role models just as much, if not more. The pressures they face are enormous: all the usual breadwinning pressures, plus sexism, plus the social ambiguities of role reversal.
It’s curious to me that Trunk (or anyone) seems to think she’s ripping the lid off of a “myth,” in saying that SAHDs are often happier when they have part-time work. Some are, some aren’t. I’ve found that some find part-time work to be incredibly stressful; others find it a welcome relief from daily caregiving. But it’s certainly true that many at-home parents do some kind of work, and they should. I think it’s critical to do something to drive your career forward and keep certain goals in mind, for the sake of independence as well as daily stimulation.
Dave Crowell
25. Jul, 2007
Jeremy said, “I think it’s critical to do something to drive your career forward and keep certain goals in mind, for the sake of independence as well as daily stimulation.”
I was with ya up to that last statement.. It may be critical for _you_ to do something do drive your “career” forward.. But you are implying that caregiving isn’t a career.. which leads to caregiving not being credible work.. which leads back to the problem stay-at-homes have always had.. those that don’t do it don’t value it.
It _is_ important to move forward in your life.. and important to feel good about yourself and what you do… but that doesn’t in any way mean a stay-at-home-parent _should_ be working another job.
RebelMom
25. Jul, 2007
I think it is vital that men who are at home — but who anticipate returning to the paid workforce in the future — find a way to continue their involvement in their paying field while they are at home.
Women have learned the hard way that taking a “break” from careers to be at home makes it darn near impossible to jump back into their paid field down the road. I fear that at-home dads, as their numbers increase, will see the same.
(And we haven’t even talked about the importance of maintaining paid skills in the event of the unexpected divorce, illness, disability or death of a breadwinning spouse… Ugg.)
At-home spouses -male or female — need to protect themselves.
And thanks for the refreshing comments about supporting breadwinning women.
Jeremy Adam Smith
25. Jul, 2007
I’ve actually started to shift the focus of the book I’m writing from stay-at-home dads to reverse traditional families, because I’m finding the stories of the moms to be really interesting and enlightening.
I interviewed a family in Chicago two months ago (this responds to both Dave and Rebelmom) who appeared to be absolutely the ideal reverse traditional family: mom had a high-paying career that she loved, dad was a happy homemaker, and they had two beautiful kids, one of whom dad nursed through a serious, life-threatening disability. Neither expressed a moment of doubt about their arrangement or the future: dad had no intention of ever working and his wife fully expected to support her husband for the rest of her life. Caregiving was indeed a career for this dad.
So, of course, SAHDs like him exist and it may all work out for him. But it may not. What if his wife dies? What if she is disabled and unable to work? What if their marriage takes a turn for the worse? These are not abstract possibilities: it’s a reality faced by countless women. For these reasons, the sociologist Andrea Doucet has suggested that moms might emulate at-home dads’ attachment to paid work. I think she’s right on this, and I think at-home dads should really listen to the experience of women who have stayed home: their stories contain many warnings.
To say this isn’t to denigrate caregiving: it’s still the greatest job anyone can do, in my opinion. It makes me sick to see people like Linda Hirshman and Leslie Bennetts belittle stay-at-home parenthood. But authors like them do have a point about the necessity of paid work.