Right Around the Corner
Posted on 13. Jun, 2006 by rebel in General
So Father’s Day is Sunday, which will kick off weeks and weeks of flailing at RebelDad headquarters as I try to keep up with the deluge of at-home dad stories. Already this week, dads are increasingly on people’s radar screens. But it kind of snuck up on me — I didn’t even get a chance to plug Rebel Dad gear as the ideal gift for the season (it’s probably too late to get anything shipped in time).
Fortunately, the folks at the Census Bureau are on top of things, and they’re determined to drive me mad with their annual dad’s day fact sheet, which commits a number of sins against fathers, including use of “Mr. Mom” and use of their ridiculous 147,000 number (Correction 6/15: they actually use new a numbers for 2005: 143,000. But my gripes remain) without any meaningful context. The publication also feels it important to cite the number of sporting good stores and clothing stores in the United States more prominently than any stats on men who, you know, father. And for reasons that are way beyond me, they mention the percentage of child-support payers who are fathers. I know the federal budget is tight these days, but is that really the best collection of father facts that the nation’s top demographers could come up with?
So as a service to the media types out there, who would otherwise have to rely on the Census folks for story ideas, let me point to my list of great potential Father’s Day stories from last year. Most are just as juicy today. Also: for a more-or-less complete collection of SAHD stats, check out the RebelDad stats page. And for dads near you, check out the new group and playgroup map.
Bob
13. Jun, 2006
I’ve heard the rag against Mr. Mom, as well as some commercials by Penney’s (“Where’s your mother?”), I think it was, but I have never been offended by them. They’re funny, and that’s all they’re meant to be, not statements on the conditions of fathers in the world.
Rebel Mom
13. Jun, 2006
I love Homer Simpson as much as the next guy, but plenty of folks (many of them dads) honestly believe fathers have less natural ability to parent than mothers. So I think it’s worthwhile to at least point out where in pop culture that meme is getting rebroadcast …
Dave R
13. Jun, 2006
The US Census used “Mr. Mom”? I agree with Rebel Mom on this. It doesn’t offend me, per se, but it perpetuates a mode of thought that is fairly outdated. As my wife has pointed out, does my being “Mr. Mom” make her “Mrs. Dad” because she works?
Bob
13. Jun, 2006
Just for argument’s sake, I think there oughtta be a Mrs. Dad movie. Probably already has been one that focuses on the pressures of a wife being the breadwinner for a family. Just wasn’t called Mrs. Dad.
Wait a minute. What about the wife in Mr. Mom? And that woman in the Housewives show?
Hm.
Is being a working wife less of a stretch than being a househusband? (I think working wives get more than their share of abusive remarks and stereotyping.) What about all the two-worker families? Are they No Mom/No Dad families?
A rose by any other name, etc. The important thing is that more dads (we think) are staying home, or at least admitting to it.
And not to take the government’s side, but I’m sure the Census Bureau could take issue with some of the names people call it.
“Mom” and “Dad,” when looked upon as a job is really two different things. Families without one or the other often speak of the parent left having to be “both mom and dad” to the children. This implies different duties. If we called them different names-Domestic Parental Unit and Exterior Parental Unit, for instance-then it wouldn’t be such a big deal what sex either one was, but it would still be the same thing: Mom and Dad.
“Moms” and “Dads,” with quote marks, specialize in different areas of life. Not all moms and dads are alike, of course, but there must a specialization of sorts that I’m not sociologist enough to express. More moms feed their young children than dads, I would guess. So eating is a “Mom”-taught skill. More dads teach their children how to ride bikes, let’s say. And naturally even those lines blur and I don’t mean to offend anyone out there who crosses over into the other area. Being the SAHD, I’ve taught the feeding, the bathroom skills, etc., more than my wife has. And there’s a joke there, but this is probably not the place to go for a laugh.
As long as the person smiles when calling me “Mr. Mom,” I won’t mind.
Dave R
13. Jun, 2006
I agree with most of what Bob writes, but I bristle at the notion of “Mom” and “Dad” having inherent job duties. Most duties can be accomplished by either parent, and I see no reason to say that women are more suited to some parenting tasks than men (aside from, say, giving birth and breast feeding!). Posting something that claimed that since more CEO’s are men and that running a business must therefore be a male-related skill would probably be considered sexist. I don’t see how this is any different.
The sex of the caregiver makes less of an impact on this issue than culture-defined gender roles. And “Mr. Mom” perpetuates a stereotype that has nothing to do with biology. If the roles are cultural, then they are capable of being altered, and I think that’s what is slowly happening.
Fathers can never replace mothers, because, while I don’t think there are inherent “duties” that moms and dads have, I do think that having both a male and female caregiver (or at least influence) is developmentally important. Calling a dad “Mr. Mom” would imply that a father can provide both of those perspectives, and I just don’t think that’s possible.
I’m not Mr. Mom. I’m Mr. Dad. I do all of the normal parenting duties, plus I am a male influence in my daughter’s life. No mom can do that.
Bob
13. Jun, 2006
Semantics. Maybe “duties” is a flag word nowadays, just as “Mr. Mom” is a needlessly explosive trigger to some.
The roles of men and women have been defined through the centuries. It’s only recently they have been changed to the degree we’re going through now. That’s not a bad thing, imo, it just causes a little bit of howling here and there.
Mr. Mom was a little bit ground-breaking in its time. For most people, I am one hundred percent positive sure that if they called me Mr. Mom, it would simply and only be meant as a descriptor that has nothing to do with anything deeper than the fact that Michael Keaton made a movie in 1983 that grossed $64,800,000 in the USA at the box office and $32,000,000 in rentals (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085970/business)
.
I cannot give the same kind of care my wife can give our son. That’s evident by his happiness to see her come home every day. He prefers her nurturing to mine. (I am older and more experienced and twice as sneaky as a youngster than my son is, although that is backfiring as my son figures out ways to increase his sneakiness and get away with more.)
I just feel that too much is made of the Mr. Mom tag, as well as the multitude of shows and commercials portraying inept dads. Back in the 50s, it was Father Knows Best and Lucy, the mom, was the goofball. What goes around, eh?
I am sure than anyone who wants to denigrate me for staying home with my son will find a much worse way to do it than to compare me to a successful comedy movie. But beware: my son and I are taking karate lessons.
amy
14. Jun, 2006
It was 25 years ago, for crying out loud.
I think it’d be a fine idea to fidn the name of the writer. Not because I’m all hipped on public shaming, but because the US Census Bureau needn’t be a megaphone for one writer’s careless comment on family & gender.
James Smith
14. Jun, 2006
Mr. Mom and other phrases that become triggers, only become so because they are seen as personal attacks.
It is amazing how many opportunities we have to offended, IF WE SO CHOOSE!
It only stands to reason with “Leave It To Beaver,” “The Brady Bunch,” and other similar shows having such a modern day impact, i.e. they shaped the thoughts of many generations, that we would end up with the term Mr. Mom!
Could you really expect anything different?
If Mr. Mom didn’t resonate with the masses it would have faded away like so many other things.
Mr. Mom wouldn’t even be discussed here if it didn’t have some validity.
Maybe in taking so much issue with the term there is an underlying thought that doesn’t want to acknowledge the role that women have lived for so long and the often double standard of working and being mom all at the same time.
SAHD is a minority group. Don’t minority groups often struggle with identity? Which is a whole other story, meaning before we are even a dad we are a person.
It is a mistake to define ourselves by our role. It is a role, we are not the role and the role is not us.
Another way to look at this is, until the human male can play like a Sea Horse and birth the children, I think the female will always hold the trump card when it comes to nurturing.
Trump card meaning advantage.
Think about it, you grow a baby inside you for 9 months and see what changes…;-) That’s nature doing what it does.
Let’s give women their dues, they only have what a few thousand years of a head start…;-0
Mr. Mom is a funny notion for me and I would say that there is another way I have seen men, including myself, play a similar card.
I have heard Dad’s say things like “I’m baby sitting tonight” or “I’m playing Mom tonight.”
If it is a role we don’t play on a regular basis it WILL be a novel experience. An experience that is much different from that of the person who feels like they “HAVE TO” play the role.
There are more subtle ways that gender roles are played out everyday. In the age of Mr. Mom it is amazing to me that we would have a mainstream animation like Toy Story that only have a Mom role depicted.
The absence of the Dad in such animations is not unusual.
In the end, noticing something and owning something are two very different things.
There will be some who simply are a SAHD and all the external chatter will barely rate a blip on their radar, and then there will be those who are so sensitive that their radar will so busy tracking all the blips that they miss what is most important.
The fact that they get to be an SAHD!
The fact that they get to be the main caregiver!
The fact that you will be the biggest influence in the life of your children!
Once upon a time there was a saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” How is it that in today’s world it seems to be more “words and looks may hurt me but sticks or
Dave R
14. Jun, 2006
I agree with you, James. I merely dislike the moniker. It doesn’t make me angry or anything. I simply think it diminishes what I and my wife have chosen to do, though the people who use it probably don’t intend for it to. They probably think it’s funny or cute. It’s not on par with racial slurs or anything, certainly. And yes, it’s semantics. I’m sure the phrase will stick around until (if it ever happens) being a SAHD loses its novelty.
Oddly, I feel like James has chosen one of the few animated movies in which it isn’t a single dad (often widowed) raising the child! The lack of mothers seems odd at first glance, but in reality has a lot to do with what we’re talking about: the lack of a mother creates a certain amount of drama because it leaves the audience wondering, “How can a father raise a child?” Some are pretty miserable failures. Look at Cinderella’s dad, for example. What does he do to stand up for his little girl? Nada. Why? He’s got this new wife, and his priorities are perhaps a bit screwed up because, well, he’s a guy. See also: The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Tarzan, Finding Nemo… I’m sure there are more.