At-Home Dads and Divorce, Redux
Posted on 25. Jul, 2007 by rebel in General
I have been writing this blog for almost five years (“wood” is the traditional anniversary present), penning almost 1,000 posts in the process. And before this week, I’d used the word “divorce” a half-dozen times. But on Monday, I posted on blogger Penelope Trunk’s marital woes, and today I want to flag a story in the Daily Mail (UK) which posits that at-home fatherhood is linked to an increase chance of divorce:
But are the couples who go down this domestic route sowing the seeds of marital disharmony? It seems that in many cases the rise of modern career women has had an unexpected - and disastrous - knock-on effect on many husbands who assume the traditionally ‘female’ role.
The stats the article cites don’t seem all that solid, and with the divorce rate running at 40 percent, give or take, there’s plenty of room for all kinds of dysfunctional marriages. But let me reiterate what I said on Monday — there are no magic solutions that will guarantee happiness, nor are there family setups that are doomed to fail. Each individual is different. Your mileage may vary.
At-home fatherhood isn’t for everyone, and it can be a strain (as can kids or jobs or in-laws or a hundred thousand other things), especially if both partners haven’t signed on completely.
But to suggest that men staying home (and its corollary — women working) is a disaster-in-waiting is both unsubstantiated and sexist. Trust me, the divorce rate would not improve if we just got more men back in the workforce and more women out of it.
Penelope Trunk
25. Jul, 2007
Thanks for continuing this discussion. Here’s a way to think about the issue: Stay-at-home parenting in general needs to be reexamined. It’s not about dads or moms, it’s about asking better questions.
For example, if everyone could set up any career/family situation they wanted to, and they would be guaranteed success, what would they choos?
I think people would choose something along the lines of a really cool job part-time, and being home with the kids part-time. Then we could ask people what sort of split they’d like.
But most people don’t perceive that they have these options to even consider.
Maybe the best thing is for everyone to confess their dream situation, just to see what that might be, and then we work — as influencers, policy makers, advocates — to help people get that.
Penelope
daddylizard
25. Jul, 2007
divorCe… c’mon we all know how to spell that! this page is viewed worldwide by folks who’d love to think Americans are dum dee dum dum…
Jeremy Adam Smith
25. Jul, 2007
Eh, come on, Daddylizard, even Germans misspell words like “Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän.”
But about this article: It’s a textbook example of what’s wrong with mainstream journalism — no context, no historical perspective.
Problem no. 1: A dad is quoted as saying, “I sensed that Louise was becoming more detached and less interested in me sexually within a year of becoming a househusband. She was always picking on me for silly little things she said I hadn’t done, like the washing up or not tidying away the toys.” There are many such quotes in this article (“I began to feel that Louise was taking me for granted…”)
You know what? That’s normal for
couples during the first three years of a baby’s life. That isn’t my opinion: it’s the result of many, many empirical studies. Sexual interest declines. Conflict goes up. Partners take each other for granted and don’t see the real work the other is doing, which is exacerbated by a strong breadwinning/caregiving division of labor. They have to struggle to get through this period, no matter what gender does what. And even after you get over the rough patch, long-term commitment to your family takes work, as we all know.
Problem no. 2: Non-traditional family forms are always entail some degree of internal and external conflict during their period of emergence — that is, until they become traditional, i.e., widespread and normal. This was, for example, the case when people left farms and extended families and moved to the big city and into small nuclear families — a period of tremendous stress and conflict, and, incidentally, high rates of divorce and abandonment. Then all of a sudden (around WWII), the nuclear family was considered ideal. Family configurations aligned with the economy, and thus a post-war culture was born.
The question isn’t, Are reverse traditional families more unstable? That’s a dumb question, given the context. Instead, the question should be, What can we do to help reverse-traditional families minimize their weaknesses and maximize their strengths?
Penelope, I don’t think part-time work is a magic bullet. I do agree with you that stay-at-home parents should have a Plan B and maintain some kind of relationship to paid work, but we can’t imagine that that will actually solve problems in a marriage. It’s just one piece, and for many couples, it won’t get anywhere close to the root of their problems.
Rebel Dad
25. Jul, 2007
DaddyLizard — Realized it myself when I saw the post show up on my feed and fixed it …
Rebel Dad
25. Jul, 2007
Penelope and Jeremy — I actually think part-time work *can* be a silver bullet. It’s not for everyone (constant task-switching isn’t easy, and it’s easy for part-timers to overload by overcommitting at work and at home), but it is another family choice — my favorite theme — that would be great to have available.
The problem from my perspective is that part-time work (when it’s an option at all) is generally punished with poor wages relative to full-timers, and poor or non-existent benefits and advancement prospects.
Love the context comments and the historical perspective, Jeremy. I think that’s right on.
— Brian
Jeremy Adam Smith
25. Jul, 2007
Don’t silver bullets also kill werewolves? In that case, they have multiple uses: save your marriage, kill werewolves, etc.
I mostly agree with what you say, of course. We seem to basically agree with each other, though differ in emphasis.
I think about blog about this topic over at Daddy Dialectic.
Marc Vachon
25. Jul, 2007
It only makes sense that I weigh in given the previous comments. Equally Shared Parenting is not the silver bullet as Brian correctly points out but it is an option rarely discussed in the media.
I do believe the workplace limitations on part-time work are going to change in the near future. As the boomers retire and Gen X/Y demand more flexibility and balance, companies will adapt to attract and retain qualified employees. I expect pay and benefits will be prorated based on hours worked.
Even if this happens soon, sharing all aspects of parenthood does pose some challenges. On the breadwinning front alone, men will no longer be able to fully sidestep the “mommy track” and women will need to pursue a career and passion outside the home.
I hope we all agree that part-time, menial work is not the goal of reduced hour jobs. I would expect both parents to follow Penelope’s advice and nurture a career on their own terms which may allow reduced hours at higher pay for a job well done.
Dave Crowell
26. Jul, 2007
Half… that’s basically it.. if you get married, the word half has many meanings.. one of them is the fact that, basically, HALF of all marriages fail. That includes “traditional-role” marriages.
Half..
So trying to place blame on how you’re taking care of the kids is lame. If your marriage is done.. it’s done.. and it’s because of two reasons.. husband and wife. .. or.. spouse and other spouse.
It ain’t the kids.. it ain’t the career.. it’s the husband and the wife. If career woman can make it at work.. then she’s smart enough to make it work at home…
Whatever reason sent the divorcing couple over the edge is really irrelevent. It all boils down to two people who are deciding not to make things work.
Sorry.. I’m rambling.. but, come on.. excuses are like .. um.. an anus… we all have them.. and they all stink.
By even entering into this nonsense is given credit where none is due. That blog, by one that can be described as a militantly independant individual, mentioned her husband no longer was assertive enough. Sorry.. that’s not because he’s a SAHD.. it’s likely due to a domineering spouse that has caused their partner to give up any opposition.
Anyway.. that’s where my thoughts are.