Big Media Roundup
Posted on 11. Aug, 2006 by rebel in General
It’s nice to see that dads haven’t been completely ignored by some of our larger newspapers, magazines and websites — this week has provided quite the range of pieces, some sublime, some jaw-droppingly dumb.
Let’s start with the New York Times, which ran a piece on how a women used animal training techniques to train her husband. This is a weird piece to run in the NYT. It’s generally offensive to men (the undertone: we’re so simple that we can be treated like Shamu) and it’s not particularly novel (the BBC has an entire TV show on training husbands like dogs). What exactly was the point? Relationship humor? Can’t the nation’s most powerful paper do better than that?
Time magazine was a little more thoughtful. Po Bronson (making his second RD appearance this week) and Ashley Merryman wrote a piece for Time on “gatekeeper” moms and how that affects involved fatherhood. That gatekeeping is one of the elephants in the room when it comes to talking about active dads and is certainly worth more discussion. I haven’t written much about it, but I’m sure I’ll return to the topic.
Finally, Slate ran a piece in praise of the 16-year-old how-to-be-a-man tome, Iron John. But the author’s take on the book itself was less important than his observation that no one is talking — in real terms, without machismo or ideological ranting — about how to be a man in the new millennium:
Irony, and the fear of ridicule, have, in a way, made any serious discussion of men’s emotional lives impossible. This new repressiveness turns up all kinds of unexpected results: not just polemics like Flanagan’s and Mansfield’s, but “iconoclastic” arguments in favor of male stoicism, like the one Malcolm Gladwell recently made in an essay praising The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit. And the result is that we still lack a basic vocabulary for, say, the experience of a stay-at-home father, or the difference (from a man’s point of view) between flirtation and harassment at work. If we don’t find a way of emulating Bly’s generosity of spirit and willingness to risk truth-telling, we’re going to remain stuck with recycled arguments and archetypes, lacking a language that applies to our own era.
Have a great weekend.
nate
11. Aug, 2006
I agree that the tone of the Shamu piece was offensive-but there are some interesting things to learn underneath the attention-grabbing language. The best parenting books (How to Talk, Playful Parenting, the work of Haim Ginott) all emphasize rewarding good behavior & ignoring bad. There’s no reason those lessons can’t be applied to adult relationships of all kinds-professional as well as personal.
But of course, it might be more useful to write about those techniques w/o comparing your spouse with a trained seal.
Jackie Dooley
13. Aug, 2006
This is a great blog - I found it via Leslie’s blog on the Washington Post’s Web site.
I’m a full-time working mom whose husband stays home with the kids. I keep a similar blog from the other perspective (www.theselfemployedmom.com) . It not really a blog - it’s a weekly column in a daily paper in NY and really focuses on juggling working from home and parenting (as opposed to working full-time and parenting).
Lately I’ve been obsessed with the current corporate work paradigm and, well, I thought you’d be interested in my latest article which I just posted to my blog. While in this case the statistics are unfavorable for mothers, the entire column is really focused on me balancing work and family and not an attack on men vs. women in the workforce (kind of how I view Leslie’s blog).
I enjoy reading your blog a lot - thanks for providing this much-needed resource.
Best,
Jackie Dooley
Lone Star Ma
13. Aug, 2006
Personally, I have always felt that the gatekeeper argument was an excuse for fathers who were kind of purposely doing things half-way so they would not be expected to take full responsibility. In my experience, if dads change diapers, bathe kids and get kids teeth brushed regularly, feed the kids balanced meals most of the time and monitor homework and health issues and school and extracurricular functions, involved moms (and probably not-so-involved moms) are more than happy to completely share the parenting role. When dads let all of these things slide, involved moms are going to step in and be bossy about it. It is just about the well-being of the kids. My husband was playtime -dad with our firstborn and got lots of how-to advice from me. Since the birth of our second child, he has stepped up to the plate about actually taking care of all of those managerial parent needs and I am more than happy about it. I would have to say the kids’ health and hygiene even suffered a bit while he made the transition to meal planning and all (our older daughter actually got a bit anemic at one point and I had to put her on iron supplements), but I did not give him much trouble about it because he was really getting there as opposed to waiting for me to step in and take over. If dads do all of the job and not just the fun parts, moms will let them.
I love our blog and am adding it to my blogroll.
Lone Star Ma
13. Aug, 2006
I meant your blog - can’t see how to edit my comment.
Justin
15. Aug, 2006
I believe one should beware on principle when an article in a major newsweekly posits women are to blame for the lack of equality in parenting (not to mention the “as many as 25%” statistic that I did not see any citation for).
I agree with Lone Star Ma, above, that the gatekeeper argument is largely an excuse for dads who want credit for showing some interest. I mean, even if there are gatekeeper moms, I don’t believe there are enough to merit a “phenomenon,” as outlined here (are there even enough dads storming the gates to have enough women guarding them to create a phenomenon?). What exactly is the function of this article, exactly, unless it is to create some structural excuse for parenting inequality?
Why men should be surprised that women are a little reticent to let men in on a job they have been doing almost exclusively for generations is beyond me. It’s just typical American narcissism for a man to simply demand that everyone treat him as some unique, a-historical actor because he decides he wants to do something. Fatherhood is socially-constructed. Duh!
And just watch a man the first time his wife picks up a power drill. They act like she’s carrying nuclear waste or something! And drilling’s far easier than parenting.
Kelly M. Bray
19. Aug, 2006
Wow, typical knee jerk feminist reactions to “gatekeeping”.
1. Women would never do such a thing….
2. Even if they did, its the men’s fault for choosing the wrong chore or not doing it to standards.
3. Even if they did, we should just shut up and take it because we are treading into their domain and sensitive psychic territory.
And so the elephant is still in the living room and the pile of dung keeps growing…..Time for an intervention yet?
PS.. Fatherhood is socially constructed???? “Duh” is right, you would be amazed to learn that what you learn in sociology classes has very little to do with the real world of parenting.
Justin
25. Aug, 2006
Kelly:
I’m lucky: I’m both a father of a wonderful daugher (though at home only one day per week) AND the son of a sociology professor. So, actually, I have the benefit of not only my own individual anecdotal experience, but some actual social science, to boot!
And I’m speaking as a man who is frequently guilty of the very things I critique above. In fact, as a man, I feel like I have a certain insight that a woman (and I am assuming Kelly is a woman’s name) could or would not have.
At any rate, I think we could both agree that any man who can’t stand up for himself in the face of this alleged “gatekeeping” probably doesn’t have the skills, emotional resilience, humility and confidence to be that good of a parent anyway. So perhaps he should just let the mother do everything. How’s that?