Wednesday, December 20, 2006
More Manifesto-Inspired Thoughts
One of the great things about putting your thoughts out into the ether of the Internet is that you get feedback that is immediate and (usually) insightful. And so it has been with the manifesto effort. My originial manifesto contained one element that a few folks have taken issue with:3. Outsource your anxiety. Pediatricians are trained to tell when a bout of the stomach flu is worth worrying about. Call them early and often, but trust 'em when they tell you it's OK. (And if you can't trust 'em, find someone that you can trust.) Same goes for teachers, guidance counselors, etc.My intention was to let parents know that you can't live in perpetual worry; you have to retain the belief that the experts will let you know when something is awry. This, of course, has its limits, and there were plenty of comments and manifestos that suggested -- far from outsourcing anxiety -- parents ought to trust their gut and not remain the first, last and fiercest advocate for their kids whenever anything was amiss. To that point, I received this e-mail last week:I wholeheartedly disagree with Item No. 3 posted below your request for information.Despite my initial don't-worry-be-happy stance, I find it hard to disagree with these sentiments. There is a balance, I'm sure, but this note is a reminder that a few false alarms are far preferable to even one serious but rationalized-away problem. I stand corrected.
My sister passed away (before I was born) because my parents listened to the pediatrician. She was born with health complications, and when she was sick at one month, the pediatrician said they were booked and she would have to come the following day. A few hours later, she had passed. I am sure my parents regret to this day, not demanding that she be seen, or taking her to the ER.
I suppose for your hypocondriach readers, the advice in No. 3 is suitable. My advice (coming from a non-mother) would be to trust your instincts when dealing with a sick child, and do not always trust the pediatrician who is giving you advice over the phone, when your gut tells you otherwise. Better safe then sorry when dealing with the health of an infant.Labels: manifesto
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Sunday, December 17, 2006
The Manfesto Project: First Nuggets of Wisdom
OK. We're up to 19 manifestos online at the Parenting Manifesto Page, and I hope you'll keep sending them in. There is some brilliant stuff in there, and it's becoming an interesting parenting guide for a couple of reasons 1) seeing the areas of broad agreement really emphasizes the core skill set you need to get by as a parent and 2) there are the occasional items that -- while not generally part of the parenting canon -- are absolutely, positively true.
Among the highlights so far:
From Al Arsenault:4 - if they make their bed, they lie in. Don't always go rushing in to clean up their messes. If they break something, they bought it.From Slurry Feed:From Sue Mort:
2. Read to your kids! Instill in them the power and joy of a good book! Added bonus: if/when your wife is pregnant with a second (or third, etc.) child, your reading aloud benefits both kids!3. Do not project your fears about your child's safety on to the child. Your child should believe that most people are good and the world is a wonderful place. Teach her how to be safe, but don't make her fearful.From Elizabeth at Half Changed World:This doesn't mean that everything you do will work out right. Sometimes your best just isn't good enough, or what you thought was the best turns out in hindsight to look like a mistake. Be able to step back and laugh at the situation. All you can ever do is try something, and see what happens. If it works, great. If not, you try something else.From Hedra and Will:4. Identify with yourself, not them.And that's just the start. There's lots more wisdom in there, and I'll keep highlighting as I read and re-read everyone's stellar submissions. Thanks!
· Don’t take it personally.
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Friday, December 15, 2006
Kids Think the Darnest Things (?!)
I'm not sure whether to be angry or confused or depressed over research from the University of Maryland that found that while kids between 7 and 10 years old think that moms are perfectly capable as parents *and* wage-earners, they're less impressed with a father's ability to stay home. Waaay less impressed:Most kids said that dads should go back to work and not stay at home because "they would probably sit on the couch with potato chips and not much around the house would get done."The findings -- dropped in an ABC News piece as part of their aneurysm-inducing "mommy wars" series, came from conversations with more than 100 kids, but the piece was light on the numbers and heavy on anecdote. I don't mean to suggest that the children interviewed by researchers Melanie Killen and Stefanie Sinno didn't knock the idea of dads-as-parents, but the lack of detail makes it difficult to pick the conclusion apart.
I'm sure there is some blame to go around here. I'd love to know whether the researchers controlled for parental involvement -- did the kids who saw dads as incapable parents have distant/workaholic dads? Did children of egalitarian marriages have more charitable views? And where'd these kids come from? I imagine that 100 kids in my progressive neighborhood -- even the ones with nose-to-the-grindstone fathers -- know at least one super-involved dad of one of their friends. But though we're probably not representative, I have no way of knowing how representative the University of Maryland sample is.
If the results *do* reflect reality, I'd also like to portion some blame to the media. Where in the world did the sit-on-the-couch-eating-potato-chips-while-the-house-falls-apart stereotype start? Oh yeah! 1983, with Mr. Mom. (Followed by Al Bundy, Homer Simpson, Jim Belushi, etc. etc.)
Fortunately, by age 10, these impressions start to fade. But still -- oy! -- it sounds like we have some work to do with the little ones.
Manifesto Update: Thank you all tons for the wonderful manifestos. There are a dozen or so already posted, with a few more in the hopper. Please keep them coming. And, of course, thanks to Hugh for the inspiration.Labels: manifesto, media, research
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