THE PARENTING MANIFESTO PROJECT

Hedra and Will’s ‘Not Breaking Them’ Manifesto

People keep asking us how we ‘did it’ – how did we make our four children turn out ‘wonderful’ (so far)? Our answer? We didn’t do this. They did. All we did was not break them. That’s sometimes easy, and often very hard.

Not Breaking Them (or Yourself) Recommendations:

1.      Read the child. They’re the only book on themselves. Listen,
watch, consider, and adjust. Keep reading, because they edit and
rewrite and add whole chapters as they go. It takes time to learn
them, and then they change, but you'll catch up as often as you fall
behind.

2.      Gather in. Talk to others, share experiences, create a network, maybe read a variety (!) of books. There are many answers to the same problems. And sometimes a it wasn't even a problem.

3.      Take the long view. Focusing on instant results distracts from
long-term goals. Faith that they’ll get there eventually helps trim
frustration, lets me focus and target my responses. Two weeks or a
year, and it will all be different.

4.      Identify with yourself, not them.
·       Don’t take it personally. Most things that make me nuts are a
side-effect of them trying to meet their needs, or are age-appropriate.
·       Stay clear about what is their problem, and what is your
problem. Solve their problem first, and see what happens to your
problem…
·       Let them take their own path, not the one you’d take.
·       Own your feelings, respect theirs.

5.      Ask, instead of tell. It engages their brains, helps them
learn, and teaches them to listen. It respects them, which teaches
them to respect others.

6.      Start by giving, with love. When filled up with love and
kindness, they’re more able to stop/give up things/behaviors that were issues for others. More able to listen. More willing to hear. This goes for yourself as well.

7.      Take care of the horse that got you here. Your supports, your partner/spouse, your network or community. Feed/water/groom/exercise and give treats to those relationships. We need to date more as parents than we ever did before marriage.

8.      Choose regret over guilt. Regret is sorrow over choices that
were your best at the time. Guilt comes when you chose not to do your best, for selfish reasons. Many parents mix those up. Regret, I can live with. Guilt breaks me.

9.      Trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel good or right, there is probably another way, another answer, another method, another doctor, or even just another time or day/week/year that is better. And that ties right back into item 1.

Copyright © 2006 Heather Petit