Rebel Dad: the stay-at-home dad revolution, online

About Thinks About At-Home Dads

2009-01-05T11:04:00.000-05:00

It used to be that I spent a lot of time lamenting the lack of a single, fantastic hub for at-home dads. (Way back when -- like a decade ago -- there really was one. It no longer exists.) But lately, I've been content to let a hundred flowers bloom: there are all kind of places you can go online now to connect dads just like you.

That doesn't mean that more information isn't welcome, which is why I'm glad there is now an at-home dad page for About.com. It includes the usual useful stuff -- dealing with isolation, looking at the economics of the whole deal -- and has a blog by the guy overseeing the page, David Worford.

Worth bookmarking ...

The New Parenting Trend for 2009? Parenting

2009-01-02T23:19:00.002-05:00

Paul Nyhan, the parenting guy over at the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, says that the parenting trend story of 2009 will be "the crappy economy" and how that will move the focus away from the rampant consumerism that has dominated parenting coverage over the last couple of years. (Be honest: how many stories about diaper bags have you seen? How many have I linked to here? Too many.)

So I hope to see more (somewhat) positive stories about how, in these rough times, families are drawing closer in the year to come. That would be a happy new year.

More on Why I Hate Parenting Magazines

2008-12-31T11:58:00.001-05:00

I have long held that parenting magazines have something against dads, working -- either explicitly or implicitly -- to favor a just-us-moms tone rather than cultivate a more expansive readership that considers men equal parents.

So thanks to Keith Tipton, I need to pass along this revealing NY Times piece from earlier this month covering Scholastic's decision to name a male editor in chief. I am happy enough with that as a symbolic move that I'm willing to overlook the stereotypical view of dads that the article takes. But the most enlighting passage comes from Susan Kane, the editor of Parenting (who long used the slogan "we get moms" to sell the mag):

�The fact that I�m a mom is a big asset because I�ve been there, and because there�s a certain kind of mom-to-mom connection that, frankly, moms want,� she said. �There�s a kind of intimacy and a kind of club that you�re in as a mom once you�ve given birth or once you�ve gone through the adoption process.
�My husband is, for all intents and purposes, the mom in our family. I�m really the breadwinner, he�s the cook, he does the grocery shopping, he�s home more often than I am. But I�m still the mommy,� she said.

So there you have it, from the horse's mouth. Whatever the initimacy created upon parenthood, dads are apparently not a part of it. Good luck with that kind of exclusionary attitude during the media-belt-tightening months of 2009.

More on the Recession and Joblessness and Dads

2008-12-30T11:49:00.002-05:00

In the comment's to Saturday's post, Phillip Cohen posted a link to his thoughtful HuffPo piece on the impact of past recessions on family life, and his predictions for this go-round. Well worth the read. An excerpt:

One possibility is that men's unemployment will lead to more men taking on childcare responsibilities at home. Despite the considerable volume of ink spilled over cultural shifts, nothing changes gendered behavior like economic necessity. The last time we saw that happen was the 1990-91 recession - which was driven by declines in industrial production. Those of us who study housework and childcare are used to seeing trend lines that don't show much change in recent years, so the upward spike in this graph for the 1991 recession has drawn some interest since it was first pointed out by Lynne Casper.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau.
During the 1991 recession, more husbands were the primary childcare providers for their preschool-aged children - and then the trend went back to (just above) normal.

At-Home Dad Convention Makes News (Again)

2008-12-29T09:01:00.000-05:00

The At-Home Dad Convention is run by some excellent guys and always has an excellent program, so they were really undeserving of the mostly economic frustrations they encountered in pulling the event together this year.

But they did manage to score a great mention in the Wall Street Journal earlier this month, so congrats to Dayv and the crew.

(The accompanying article wasn't bad -- it quotes the super-smart and telegenic Aaron Rochlen -- but didn't break any huge new ground.)

A Painful Way to Create a New Army of At-Home Dads

2008-12-27T16:50:00.002-05:00

Twenty years ago, the idea of at-home dads as an actual social phenomenon worth measuring and studying emerged, and demographers started trying to count the SAHD numbers. The early efforts were based on surveys of working women, and the numbers that came out of those early surveys suggested that at-home fatherhood -- though more significant than anyone imagined -- was not a runaway social revolution. Instead, it appeared that at-home dad numbers moved with the economy. Bad periods of time for the U.S. economy, such as 1991, were correlated with spikes in the number of dads at home.

The census folks count the number of at-home dads differently now, meaning that the economic tailspin probably won't juice at-home dad numbers much more than they're already juiced (the growth of men staying home continues to be strong for a dozen non-economic reasons).

Instead, we're likely to see more and more anecdotal reports of guys who have been laid off and taking some time to re-connect with family (particularly if they're the kind of guys who accumulated a nest egg). These have already started trickling in -- you should read this wsj.com piece by ex-Lehman Bros SVP Spencer Cutter, if you haven't already -- and I suspect we'll see a lot more first-person pieces from guys who never expected to doing the kid duty. I'll post more as I see them.

Dino-Dads

2008-12-19T21:38:00.000-05:00

It's hard what to know to make of this, but there are a handful of dinosaurs in which the dad does a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to bringing up their scaly little offspring.

This obviously won't turn the tide in terms of men suddenly becoming involved fathers, but it is a nice example to point out to the Underroo set: not only are T. rex and his kin fierce and ferocious and cool, they're also great dads. Not a bad message for impressionable preschoolers. (Hey, Eric Carle, time to update Mr. Seahorse.)

Calgary SAHDs Needed

2008-12-08T14:32:00.002-05:00

From the mailbox today. Please help if you fit the bill:

I am a freelance journalist in Saskatchewan working on a story for the
Calgary Herald about Rebel Dads (good one). Would you know of and be able to
put me in touch with a family in Calgary with this arrangement?

Much appreciated,

Thom Barker
Fort Qu'Appelle, SK
306 331 6222
thom@thombarker.com

Leslie Morgan Steiner Is Coming Around

2008-12-08T09:20:00.002-05:00

A couple of years ago, I spent a lot of time dinging Leslie Morgan Steiner for the utter failure to think about fathers in the compilation of essays, Mommy Wars, she had published. Ironically, those posts led to the Post asking me to contribute weekly to Leslie's blog to give a voice to fathers.

I don't think that I can claim credit for this, but it's clear that Leslie is beginning to realize that parenthood is a two-sex kind of deal now. From her interview with my erstwhile colleague and the hardest-working guy on the parenthood beat, Paul Nyhan:

"Fatherhood has changed so much more than motherhood in the last 30 years."

We were talking about research that shows dads are spending more time on childrearing in this era of co-parenting and two-career families. We appeared to agree the challenges of the modern dad are under covered in the media, though not underreported here. ...

Few moms have spent more time ruminating on the challenges of modern motherhood, and Steiner wasn't downplaying the juggle of modern moms. But we agreed dads are too often not part of the parenting dialogue, even though we are bigger players than ever.

Early Father's Day Gift Idea

2008-12-03T22:49:00.002-05:00

I know it's early to think about your Father's Day shopping. (Hell, it's early for a lot of you to think about Christmas shopping), but I would be remiss in not letting you know that Daddy Dialectic's Jeremy Adam Smith's new book, "The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting Are Transforming the Twenty-First-Century Family," is up for pre-order on Amazon.

Amazon says it'll be available on June 1, but it's never to early to start thinking about placing your order, especially if you're fond of smart, progressive thinking on family life.

Change the World. Support Girls.

2008-12-01T07:42:00.000-05:00

I don't often get swept up in viral campaigns or spend much time expounding on my non-dad-related social or political views, but I ran across the video below this weekend and -- as the father of two daughters -- found it extraordinary. It's done under the auspices of the girl effect, and it seems to be as thoughtful and revolutionary an approach to changing the world as any I've seen:

Belated Convention Thanks

2008-11-29T14:35:00.003-05:00

This was not the best year to hold a convention for a group of folks who are almost all -- by definition -- in single-income households, but the 13th Annual At-Home Dad Convention did go off this year. Attendance was down due to a lousy economy, but all reports seemed to reflect that the event was -- again -- a great affirmation of guys who have dedicated themselves to putting parenting first. I didn't make it this year, and I'm worse off for not having made the trip.

But it's worth already beginning to think about 2009. Planners are still batting around locations -- I've heard Omaha and DC mentioned as future stop -- and if you'd like to contribute your time, money or energy to making sure that the 14th installment is as special as the first 13, let me know and I'll put you in touch with the right people.

Credit to all those who are making this work: thanks Dayv, Andy, Jim, Phil, Mike and the half-dozen other guys who sweated blood to make this work. (In fact, I really don't want to leave anyone out, so please send along a full list of names and I'll update the post.)

Out of the Woods

2008-11-18T18:01:00.000-05:00

There have been a combination of personal distractions and technical glitches that have kept rebeldad.com dark for almost a month now. Though the distractions aren't likely to vanish until either a) I get fired or b) the kids go off to college, the technical issues have been solved. I'm back to posting and look forward to hearing from you.

One More for the RebelDad Hall of Shame: Similac

2008-10-24T06:00:00.000-04:00

I was flipping though Real Simple the other day (which has mysteriously begun showing up in the mail) when I noticed that Similac was running a super-bizarre ad campaign in which they boast that their new can was "Designed With Moms for Moms." And the celebrity mom they're using to sell the stuff is ... um ... Ty Pennington. Which is interesting, since Ty is a) not a mom, b) not a dad and c) not in the baby-products-design business. So I'm equal part confused and offended.

Needless to say, dads have a choice when it comes to formula, so I'd encourage you to go with the choice that is not (as) gendered: Enfamil.

(Thanks to Daddy Types for reminding me about this.)

Note to British Vogue: We Have No Desire to Return to the '50s

2008-10-23T11:51:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my international connections and good fortune relating to my decision to go to my 15-year high school reunion (thanks Louise!) , a copy of an article from the November article of British Vogue has come to my attention. (It is not, sadly, available online. Not yet, anyway.) It is titled "How To Be a Good Wife," and it is a musing on whether the old days of man-as-lord-of-his-castle were actually good-old-days. Why this is a question that requires musing is beyond me.

The conclusion backs away from the dangerous full-on endorsement of a household in which everyone caters to dad's every whim, but not far enough. It's bad enough we have to hear this pining-for-the'50s crap from Laura Schlessinger and Caitlin Flanagan. Can everyone else give it a rest. I like having an equal as a wife, and I like getting my hands dirty with the kids.

On Parenting: What You Might Have Missed

2008-10-22T11:28:00.000-04:00

Cross-Promotion Alert:

I may be slacking off around here, but I have been making my deadlines over at On Parenting, my side gig. For those of you who don't hit the WashingtonPost.com, here's what you've missed lately.

The Candidates Take on Families: Looking at what John and Barack have in store for us.
The Pennant Chase, Then and Now: My cynical take on pro sports.
Talking Through a Financial Disaster: How the hell do you explain the financial crisis to a 7-year-old?
6 Food Myths for Parents to Debunk: Why do experts try to make dinnertime more complicated than it has to be?
Sex Ed: How Early, How Detailed: In which my Planned Parenthood fandom shows

You should be happy to note that you now need to register to post comments, which means that he volume of comments over there is way smaller, and the number of idiots has been substantially reduced. So please hop over on Thursdays and take part, won't you?

Good News About the 'Gateway Drug' for Involved Fatherhood

2008-10-21T11:05:00.000-04:00

I have gone on and on over the years about the fact that the best way to create an involved father is to give 'em as much paternity leave as you possibly can; patterns set in those first weeks and months have a way of pulling through long after the workaday life resumes.

So the good news, according to Working Mother magazine (via Working Dad), is that 42 percent of the magazine's "100 Best" employers offer paid paternity leave. The bad news is that the "100 Best" are, indeed, the 100 best. Only about 13 percent of everyone else offers paid leave to dads.

I'm hoping that number continues to inch up as employers realize that time off is every bit as important for dads as it is for moms. And -- heck -- I hope that the number of employers offering paid leave for moms rises, too. Why the U.S. is virtually alone in refusing to make paid leave a right continues to confound me ...

You Never Really Stop Being a SAHD

2008-10-20T18:43:00.000-04:00

Note to Greg Barbera: just because you're headed back to work doesn't mean it's the end of the kid era. Once an at-home dad, always an at-home dad. At least in spirit.

And we should all be so lucky as to transition from full-time fatherhood to the editor of a beer magazine.

Once Again, the Dads-Are-Dangerous Meme Appears

2008-10-20T06:11:00.001-04:00

Thanks to Peter Baylies, I have been following the plight of Rick Kasel, a dad in Surrey, BC, who was politely asked not to attend a local MeetUp for area moms because of "the security of our children." You can read the newspaper report here. You can read Peter's first take here. Peter has a follow-up here, where the mom who founded the group recoiled at the decision. ("I just wanted to let you know that I am the original creator of that particular meetup and was horrified by the decision of the new organizer.")

She's apparently working to create a new, inclusive group, which is absolutely wonderful. And she has everyone in the community behind her; the newspaper's poll is now running 9 to 1 against the decision to kick Rick out out of the group.

But ... if you know of any dad's groups (or parenting groups for that matter) in the greater Surrey area, by all means leave a comment for me here or for Peter. And thanks to Mike from DCMetroDads for being so good about shining a light on this.

For the record, I think this kind of exclusionary behavior is dumb. It's dumb when it's moms keeping dads out and it's dumb when it's dad keeping moms out. I'm not opposed to a guy's poker night or a mom's night out or any kind of small group that is designed to let friends blow off steam with members of the same sex, but when you start having daytime events, with kids, that are open to anyone with an internet connection, there's just no good reason for bouncing dads.

(Oh, and don't even get me started with the "security of our children" claptrap.)

Must I Revisit My Stance my Parent-Oriented Magazine

2008-10-02T23:09:00.002-04:00

In the comments to the Working Dad post that linked to the why-moms-should-not-be-afraid-of-good-dads piece in Parenting, someone noted that the magazine no longer shouts "What Matters to Moms" on the cover. And -- from what I can see -- the word "mom" doesn't appear at all on the cover. Are we making progress?

Voices from the Past

2008-10-02T09:42:00.001-04:00

Though I am genuinely interested in seeing what Lisa Belkin has to say, her reappearance on the parenting scene made me think back to other writers who were subjected to much eye-rolling around here. Like Caitlin Flanagan.

I honestly have not heard her name mentioned in a year, so I did some Googling. She's been sporadically writing book reviews for the Atlantic -- nice enough pieces, but nothing particularly enraging. But her tagline suggests that she'll get at least one opportunity to drive us all nuts: "She is at work on Girl Land, a book about the emotional life of pubescent girls."

Given how badly she managed to misunderstand parenting, anyone have any faith that she'll nail the subject of pubescent girls? (For a sneak peak, see Salon's take from January.)

Welcome to the Blogosphere, Lisa Belkin

2008-10-01T21:33:00.002-04:00

Though I have taken issue with some of her reporting in the past (can anyone say "Opt-Out Revolution"?), Lisa Belkin has been -- at the least -- someone who has been consistently interested in the nuances for parenting, so I'm curious to see how her new blog, Motherlode, plays out.

And, to her credit, she has said to me privately and on the blog today that the blog's title should be seen as cute play on words, not as a veiled statement of a moms-only approach to parenting.

Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Involved Fatherhood

2008-09-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

Via Working Dad comes a Parenting magazine story that -- gasp -- doesn't make me fear for the future of humanity: a piece on why moms sometimes feel threatened by involved fathers and why such inter-parent competition doesn't do anyone any good.

Now I am on record as believing quite firmly that we do not have some sort of epidemic of gung-ho fathers crowding mom out of the picture ("momblocking," as the term of art has it), and I am not sure that families in which super-active fathers really deserve much pity (or even much attention). But given the absolutely pitiful record of mainstream parenting publications have of even acknowledging that half of the parents in this country are men, this piece makes me believe for a moment that they're turning a corner in understanding the role that modern fathers are playing.

The story gets extra bonus points for noticing the 250 percent rise in time dads spend with the kids over the past 30 years. (And additional bonus points for noticing that we still have a ways to go). But I have to give demerits for, um, writing from a completely mom-centric view of the world. And for serving ads for the asinine "moms like me" social network.

Welcome to Stepford

2008-09-22T21:19:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, I'm sad that marketer basically ignore fathers as people who play a key role in family life (and purchasing decisions). And, sometimes, I'm thrilled that men are spared unspeakably silly marketing designed to make household chores seem hip or fun or special. (If Free to Be You and Me has failed in any way, it's that we must still suffer through ads for "detergent or soap or cleanser or cleaner or powder or paste or wax or bleach.")

This week -- via an ad on parenthacks --I learned about Samsung's "Moms Like Me" social network. It's a plain-vanilla social network (there are plenty for dads, if you're interested), but the glue that supposedly holds this group together is ... wait for it ... "life, laundry and the pursuit of cleanliness." This is a social network that defines themselves around what laundry says a person. It is deeply, deeply frightening.

There is also the disturbing fact that this is a gendered effort, designed to be causally moms-only. This sexism would be more offensive if they were excluding guys from something potentially worthwhile, but I'm in no particularly rush to bust down the doors. (As an aside, the most active forum on the site is an extended discussion -- titled "Samsung really needs to get with the times with its sexist attitude" -- that was kicked off by a guy.)

Amazingly, the bizarre Samsung site means that LG takes second place is in the weird-and-sexist washer/drier marketing campaign contest. That effort comes with the tag line "A woman has needs. And right now, I need this wild cherry steam thing." Seriously.

You've Come a Long Way, Daddy

2008-09-08T10:48:00.000-04:00

Every once in a while, when I am despairing about the way dads are portrayed in the mass media, I am reminded of how much worse it used to be. Today's example comes from Sweet Juniper, who pulls out a '70s era book about how dad fares with the boy when mom goes on a trip. It's really worth the click (as is SJ's commentary).