THE PARENTING MANIFESTO PROJECT
From Pete Aldin:
So you want to be closer to your kids. Sometimes just doing things with them is a great context for this to develop naturally. However, Dad, Mum, (Mom if you’re in the USA), don’t force your kids to participate in your interests (soccer, shoe shopping, needlework). Rather, invite them.
If they say no, respect that choice. I know men and teenagers who as boys, were made to continually visit sports they didn’t like and arcane historical sites at the cost of entire days with their Dads and they resented it. It actually created more distance between them.
Myself, I loved reading out loud to my kids when they were younger, putting on silly voices, acting up a storm! Right now, the older son no longer wants that and I need to respect him in this.
But there may be other passions of yours or even activities you don’t like but need to do which your children or teenagers can engage with you in.
A good mate of mine is inviting his daughter to help him with renovations. Another friend has invited his son into the world of music with him and they jam occasionally. I’m an avid strategy game player (not that I’m any good) and at times this still connects my older son (the Pokemon Addict) and I.
When you’re shopping for a present for your partner, your kids can come and help you choose (let them have a say though!). It can be this “mundane” & yet represent an opportunity for togetherness and connection.
But remember this is about invitation, not “press-ganging”. They can still say NO. Our children will individuate from our likes and dislikes just as any other human being will.
When you invite, make it “light”. In other words, be careful not to communicate that if they say NO, they will earn your disapproval OR wound you deeply. If they’ve had a habit of remaining distant for some time, you might like to try inviting them into very short and low-key activities that are likely to pique their interest - short because it’s not a huge commitment for them and therefore easier to say YES to.
