Steiner Discovers Capable Father
Posted on 29. Mar, 2006 by rebel in General
I have been actively ignoring Leslie Morgan Steiner since last week, when decided her whole “Mommy Wars” thing was passe. Among the things I ignored was a blog posting from Steiner on her blog asking for the perspective of some fathers. I was thrilled to see that almost no one commented on that post, which seemed appropriate given her repeated dadbashing.
So I was more than a little surprised to read her blog yesterday and see it had been given over entirely to an at-home dad telling his story in his words. It’s a wonderful little piece, forwarded without snark, and the most damning criticism anyone raised in the comments was that the dad, Max from Milwaukee, seemed to be painting an overly rosy picture. (The other criticism that was raised involved whether Max’s story — which Steiner called “so interesting” — would have been considered all that blog-worthy if he’d been a woman.)
Update: Contrast the Max post with today’s entry, in which she tells her husband “You’re just not as good at the childcare stuff as I am.” I know we’re in the realm of the anecdote, but it’s another blow to the idea that fathers are perfectly good parents.
For some insight into how today’s families are making the at-home dad decision (and what life is like), this extensive interview with two at-home dads in the Newburyport (MA) Current is well worth the read. It all sounds so matter-of-fact, and I dream of a future in which all families make their choices about childcare in the same gender-neutral way that these two families approached it.
Hogan
29. Mar, 2006
Women arent better at caring for children. They just have an advantage and head start in learning how. Biologically women are better equipped. Serving as an incubator for the baby makes it easier for them to bond with a child. Women also have a wealth of support systems before, during and after the birth of a child. Men unfortunately dont.
Women like Mrs. Steiner never provide opportunities for their husbands to catch up. Maybe its because she doesnt want to share the spotlight of being an involved parent with her husband or that he might do the job better than she can.
Steiners attitude about her husband is appalling. Instead of henpecking him, she should be offering words of encouragement that will promote his participation and involvement.
Reading Steiners material is upsetting. However, something good has come from it. Steiner has helped me develop a greater appreciation for my wife, Tina. A devoted and loving wife who has allowed me to be a father, care for the children the way a father does, and share the spotlight with her.
Great blog from Max. Parenthood, like life, is about attitude. Yes, parenthood has its challenges, but the rewards and memories that I’ve gained from it have far outnumber the challenges. The last 18 years of my life as a dad have been rosy!
KOD,
Hogan
Laura
30. Mar, 2006
On NPR tonight, there was a single mom who was complaining about all the other moms basing their husband. Here’s the link.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5310110
She said something that I thought was interesting. She said that these women had no idea how much help even the little things were. So what if he doesn’t cook. At least he gets the groceries or cleans up the kitchen.
I think the women have an expectation that they’re supposed to be doing all this stuff that maybe they really don’t need to be doing. I just don’t even care anymore. Mr. Geeky does plenty. He keeps up with doctor’s appointments, soccer games, cleans the kitchen, does laundry occasionally. We’re a team. We divvy stuff up. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing more. Sometimes he feels like he’s doing more. It evens out eventually.
This child rearing thing’s a long haul. If you’re gonna keep score for 18 years, it’s gonna be a really long 18 years, full of bitterness instead of the joy it should be filled with.
Gloria
30. Mar, 2006
Rebel Dad, I like your site. I actually found it from a link on Leslie Morgan Steiner’s blog. I agree with some of your criticisms of her book (or rather, the premise of her book, since I haven’t read it), but have enjoyed the opportunity to get up on someone else’s soapbox.
Anyway, I admire your definition of “daddy wars,” and I think this is what mothers should be fighting for, too, on their own behalf and that of their children’s fathers. I hope you launch the site, and I hope mothers will be welcome to join.
Just a side note about telecommuting: I agree that working-from-anywhere is great when it allows workers to maximize family time, but they need to be careful. Some employers use the always-on capabilities of their employees to pressure them into working all the time — at home, late at night, on weekends — thereby trampling on the whole concept of family time, which rests on the assumption that workers are sometimes off.
Thanks for all your commentary, and for the link to the excellent article on stay-at-home dads.
Rebel Dad
02. Apr, 2006
“Serving” as an “incubator” for the baby makes it easier to bond? Wow. I find that statement problematic and untrue on so many levels. Care to elaborate, Hogan?
-RM
April
04. Apr, 2006
I like your blog. Most of what Steiner has said irritates me too, but I think if she were ten years younger she would have a different perspective.
I agree on it would be great if it were just treated as a matter of fact thing. It is in our family- I work ft because I am the one who grew up in this country, who has a law degree and for whom it is much easier and less stressful to hold a ft job with benefits. My husband would have to work harder at physical labor to make half as much (he’s an immigrant and his trade is remodeling). That’s just the economic reality of it. HE takes breaks when needed from ft SAHDing by working on the weekends occasionally, having his mom come a couple of times a year for extended visits, and working while I’m on maternity leave. He also makes the house his project. There’s no agony- we both know it’s a no brainer that I have to work and that he just isn’t interested in working ft all year round anyway. He’d have to give up his month long visits to the home country every year and there’s no way he’ll do that!