Once Again, the Dads-Are-Dangerous Meme Appears
Posted on 20. Oct, 2008 by Brian in General
Thanks to Peter Baylies, I have been following the plight of Rick Kasel, a dad in Surrey, BC, who was politely asked not to attend a local MeetUp for area moms because of “the security of our children.” You can read the newspaper report here. You can read Peter’s first take here. Peter has a follow-up here, where the mom who founded the group recoiled at the decision. (“I just wanted to let you know that I am the original creator of that particular meetup and was horrified by the decision of the new organizer.”)
She’s apparently working to create a new, inclusive group, which is absolutely wonderful. And she has everyone in the community behind her; the newspaper’s poll is now running 9 to 1 against the decision to kick Rick out out of the group.
But … if you know of any dad’s groups (or parenting groups for that matter) in the greater Surrey area, by all means leave a comment for me here or for Peter. And thanks to Mike from DCMetroDads for being so good about shining a light on this.
For the record, I think this kind of exclusionary behavior is dumb. It’s dumb when it’s moms keeping dads out and it’s dumb when it’s dad keeping moms out. I’m not opposed to a guy’s poker night or a mom’s night out or any kind of small group that is designed to let friends blow off steam with members of the same sex, but when you start having daytime events, with kids, that are open to anyone with an internet connection, there’s just no good reason for bouncing dads.
(Oh, and don’t even get me started with the “security of our children” claptrap.)
rudy
20. Oct, 2008
forgetting the basics of the fact that meetings are for best of our childerns welfare and not the fact that a penis is in a group full of varginas will make the less safe or smarter. maybe the penis in the group is the only one with a straight head in the group. so why not makle another group where more then one penise is invited to the group no0w we have a group where we can remember that it took a penise and a vargina to make our children. so will it for this groups to better them selfs.
The Stay at Home Dad
21. Oct, 2008
This is a rediculase reason for not letting a man join a parents day out. Dads stay at home for many reason. I have addersses some of these myself including my own reason at mystayhomedads.com
Dave
22. Oct, 2008
rudy.. the problem is that it ain’t easy to make a group of more than one .. er.. Stay-at-home-Dad.. because it’s hard to find us.. that’s why we need other parents to accept us.. isolation sucks.
The Stay at Home Dad
23. Oct, 2008
Dave
You are right. But what we can do is support each other and remove the stereotype of a stay at home dad. We all need to help people understand that we have good reasons for staying home with our children and that there is nothing wrong with that.
colin
06. Nov, 2008
I’m conflicted on this issue. I live in a small town and for a while I was attending a parents group sponsored by the government (Ontario Early Years). I was the only father which made it a little awkward to begin with, but I was made more uncomfortable by the attitudes of the other attendees. The sense of exclusion was palpable as was the reason why I stopped attending. Having lived in small towns and large cities, I can say that some of the myths about small towns are true. Exposed to less diversity, small town people have a tendency to be xenophobic and bigoted (at, what seems to be, a statistically higher level than metropolitan populations). At the very least it’s possible to find a group of open minded people in larger population centers. The situation at my local parents group was unbearable and I searched for something else. I found a Daddies group in a nearby city. I attend this group about twice a month by scheduling shopping trips to coincide with the meetings. I have made friends at this group and look forward to attending it. I have often wondered whether or not I could find a parents group in the city which represents both genders but my experience with my local group has left me gun-shy. I recognize that in a ideal world gender shouldn’t mater at a parents group but our world is far from ideal. Do I think that dads should be able to attend meet up groups? Yes, of course. Do I appreciate having a Dads only group? I must admit that I do. Do I see the hypocrisy? Yup. Do I see and condemn the blatant sexism inherent in the “security of our children” argument? With unwavering certainty and nemesis, yes!
The genders are different. We have different body chemistry and psychological predispositions. The last 30 years are rife with failed education policies which ignore these differences. This isn’t a question of equality; this is a question of fit and access. If there are moms who only feel secure and relaxed around other moms, I see no problem with them meeting in a mom only group. If there are dads who similarly feel more at ease with other dads I see no problem with them having a male only group. The justification behind the formation of these groups need not appeal to any sexist bias, but simply to the preference of the members. I say all of this with the caveat that my scenario assumes a gender non-specific group available in the community. If a parent lives in a small community where only one parent group can be supported then a non-gender specific group should be the priority. Parents groups are as much about allowing preschoolers socialization opportunities at they are about anything else and no child should be deprived of the opportunity based on the gender of the primary caregiver. Once this is met in a community I say go wild on separate groups, for genders, interests, favorite sports teams, whatever. The kids don’t really care about which parents are at the group, if they’re like my so
CaliOak
09. Nov, 2008
If this society would take domestic violence and woman’s and children’s safety seriously and actually enact and enforce laws that kept the perpetraters away from the victims this kind of crap wouldn’t happen. But when perps get slaps on the wrist, and batters get unsupervised visitation rights (California are you listening!?) the whole legal system looks worthless.
The guilty get away, and aquittal or not being caught or even not being accused doesn’t mean someone looks innocent. You’d think we’d have figure out that dealing with problems works better than ignoring them by 2008.
Random accusations against men at large or any specific man would be SO much easier to deal with and less credible if we had a more effective system for dealing with things like this in the first place.
Sorry for the long rant – pet peeve
Dad at home
27. Nov, 2008
I saw this article when it was posted to our local dads group and the response has been surprising. A lot of the dads have experienced getting kicked out of play groups and classes because either the institution or the teacher or moms wanted the dad out. That does not include the much more common isolation a dad often experiences when he and his child actually makes it into one of these things.
Agile Cybrog
22. Dec, 2008
Why in the hell would any man want to immerse himself and his children in a group of sexist, moralizing, self-absorbed and self-proclaimed goddesses who think they shit silver?
The hell with the groups. Just imagine yourself on the frontier 200 years ago. Kids didn’t have mommy groups then, they enjoyed life by utilizing their imagination and curiosity.
It isn’t the quantity of friends that will help your children adjust to the big beyond. A few quality friends and a dad that is very social and playful with them is a huge asset to these kids while mom is out creating the main bucks (as she should damn well be if she has that opportunity available to her).