Newsweek on Dads
Posted on 02. Oct, 2007 by rebel in General
This week’s Newsweek has one of the better first-person accounts of fatherhood I’ve seen in a while. It syncs up pretty closely with my experience and manages to make two important — though somewhat contradictory points:
1. Today’s dads are different from those of a generation ago in terms of their view on family.
2. We still have a ways to go before anyone can declare the age of egalitarianism has begun.
The lack of number (2) in stories about modern dadhood has been gnawing at me, and I’m glad to see someone admit that while dads in general are doing a lot better than any other time in post-industrial America, it’s not time to start handing out medals. (I also want to point out a less-rosy take from from gamingwithbaby.com: author Brian Braiker did the at-home thing for a year, basically, a sabbatical that doesn’t exactly make him an expert in at-home fatherhood. Still, Brian seems to get it — and he rails against “Mr. Mom” — so I’m inclined to give it a pass.)
But … Newsweek also ran a very interesting piece from a mom who says her involved husband just ain’t making a difference in her life. Titled: “The ‘New Dad’? Give Me a Break,” the author extols her mate as “more dedicated than any father I know,” after noting that he
… hasn’t seen the inside of a grocery store since he worked at one back in high school. Stocking the fridge is my task, as well as getting our son to school, scheduling his speech-therapy appointments, making dinner …
The piece bugged me: it’s a reminder that just doing better than our fathers (or the guy down the street) isn’t actually enough to make a difference. How you can possibly be the most involved dad around without doing any of the cooking/cleaning/errand running/etc. is beyond me. I know that every family divides responsibilities differently, but it seems that if you want to wear the “new dad” label, you need to do some actual heavy lifting.
JohnMcG
02. Oct, 2007
But I think therein lies the problem — our fathers did less than we do, but weren’t expected to feel bad about it.
Every time dads talk about different things we’re doing, we always have to do it with the apologetic, “well, we’re still not doing as much as moms” tone.
Yeah, maybe we haven’t completley obliterated gender roles yet. And maybe we never will. I don’t think we need to beat our selves up over it — we can feel good about the things we’re doing.
JohnMcG
02. Oct, 2007
And yes, I know women have their own guilt to deal with that dwarfs men’s. Fine.
But the reality is that today’s men are doing more work, and the net change in feedback has been negative.
That’s not a good thing.
Marc Vachon
02. Oct, 2007
Thanks for the heads-up on the Newsweek piece. I’ll check it out but I’d be willing to bet that the woman who claims her involved husband isn’t making a difference in her life plays an important role in this situation. Sometimes, even the most well-intentioned men get “shut out” by their wives’ need to play the prominent role to their kids. I’ll check out the piece and will post a blog based on my actual impressions.
Will
02. Oct, 2007
It just seems to me that the media is rife with tales of men who stay home for a few months or a year and take care of their kids, only to walk away and back to work. There aren’t many stories written about men who’ve been doing it for two, five, ten, or more years in “the grab your attention with puff piece” media outlets. It’s just a source of irritation, that’s all.
Marc Vachon
02. Oct, 2007
OK, I read the article and believe they did a fairly good job of identifying the problem. Once again the media has nowhere to turn for solutions. I would suggest that mom heeds her own advice and relinquish control of the chores. I would disagree that she would need to nag though. Allow the kids to eat popsicles and cheez-its for breakfast if that’s what her husband provides. Her way is not necessarily better, just different. I think it’s about time for men to stand up for their way of doing things. Maybe men and women can reach the promised land of real equality by negotiating the standards that both parents can agree to instead of allowing the woman to run the show.
Dynastar
02. Oct, 2007
Popsicles and cheez-its are mens way of doing things? Sounds like another stereotype to me.
As for the mom’s article, there’s obviously a whole host of cultural and personal factors that contribute to the division of labor in a household. That being said, if “women are still carrying the bulk of the load” and don’t like it, maybe they need to hash that out with their husbands. Raj sounds like he enjoys spending time with the kids (and good for him) but flunks when it comes to doing the dirty work.
-Dynastar, SAHD who does the dirty work- off to the grocery store right now in fact.
cryitout
02. Oct, 2007
I’m kind of jealous of the dad who stays home and manages to do none of the chores. How is that possible? I’ve cleaned the kitchen three times today. And been to two stores.
Thanks for the newsweek link. Good reading.
Mike
creative-type dad
03. Oct, 2007
It’s all over the place. Some men do more than others, just like there are some women who do more than others.
I work with a lot of those who don’t do anything around the house except maybe giving birth.
JLow
03. Oct, 2007
When our Caitlin was born, I did some of these (ie not always me, but I DID them):
- I changed her soiled diapers
- I washed the soiled diapers
- I *tried* to bottle feed her (mother inlaw took over cos I looked clumsy)
- I cleaned up her puke
- I changed her
- I video-ed her first steps
- I sang to her
- I taught her to count 1-10, in English & Mandarin
- I give her hugs & kisses
- I have photos of how she’s changed in the last 3 years
- I take her to the park
- I take her swimming
- I take her groceries shopping
- I lift her on the toilet, & wash her afterwards
And I work full time in the corporate scene.
A female friend who knew me before I married, said to me when we last caught up with my daughter in tow, that she thought I would be a very involved dad, and she was right.
twiffer
03. Oct, 2007
i generally view anything in newsweek as a year or five too late, anecdotal and generally useless. as others have pointed out, we have naught but the opinions and experiences of two individuals and no real commentary on any broader social trends or change. other than the fact that there must be a real change if it has actually filtered its way to newsweek.
also agree with others: who doesn’t split up chores these days? especially if both work. that’s important with or without kids.
as far as parenting, particularly fatherhood goes, i’ve only got 2 months experience. but it’s enough to know that, say, memorizing doctor’s appointments is a sign of good parenting. just a sign of good memory. me, i can’t tell you off the top of my head (terrible with dates). that’s why i put it in my calendar. and so on.
JohnMcG
03. Oct, 2007
I’m just going out on a limb here, but do you suppose the possibility exists that Ms. Ali might be understating Raj’s contributions? That women receive social reinforcement for minimizing their husband’s contributions when “tallking to female friends and co-workers?”
I’m thinking that saying, “My husband is fantastic.” would go over about as well in those conversations as a fart in church.
daddyclay
04. Oct, 2007
We did an video interview at DadLabs with a couple of the authors of the book “Babyproofing Your Marriage” on the subject of dividing labor. Though it might be of interest:
http://www.dadlabs.com/lounge/mom_vs._dad_50/50.html
Dustin
06. Oct, 2007
“How you can possibly be the most involved dad around without doing any of the cooking/cleaning/errand running/etc. is beyond me.”
The thing is, our expectations of men are so low that the bar to being the “most-involved dad” isn’t very high. In studies of how labor is divided in the home, women in couples who said that they split all the house work evenly put in more than 2/3 of the actual time spent on chores. In couples where the man was said to “help” with the housework, she did over 90%!
I can’t remember where I originally read this study, but the book _The Second Shift_ covers a lot of this and would seem like the place to start.